I think most people like to think themselves essentially good. They’ve made mistakes. Maybe seriously hurt others along the way. But deep down inside, they mean well.
Suppose you come to realize that what really motivates you is rotten – that it comes from a place of hatred, resentment, fear and selfishness. And as a result you do awful, unforgivable things. Acts that mean others would no longer see you as human, if they knew. What then?
I’m fairly sure that most would feel compelled to end their lives, if they found themselves acting as I have. But then most would never do such things in the first place. When you disconnect yourself from social morality, I think the shame is weakened. While the urge to destroy myself is still significant, it’s counterbalanced by self-interest, and concern over the impact on my family. It seems wrong to continue to live, but it also seems wrong to end my life.
Perhaps the most morally pure would decide to confess, and submit to punishment. But clearly I am not morally pure. While giving yourself up for moral principle has it’s appeal, this is again outweighed by self-interest, and concern for the impact on family. Beyond which, I doubt any good would result. I can see the benefit in society punishing people like me in general, but don’t believe an individual example would improve anything.
I do not know whether my actions have really inflicted any actual harm on others (beyond metaphysical/moral transgressions), and if they have, to what extent. I do not know the identities of these potential victims. If I were punished for my actions, I don’t believe it would necessarily benefit them, even if they could somehow be identified and notified (indeed it might even make things worse for them.) And it would destroy what little remains of my life, while greatly damaging my family.
So, what to do? It is some time since my worst actions, but what drove them is still within me. Circumstances merely changed to make repeating slightly less convenient, and my guilt was just strong enough to prevent me from bridging the gap. From time to time I allow myself to ‘accidentally’ stumble close to similar, though less extreme, behavior. The rest of the time, I channel that part of me into less objectionable (though still pretty repulsive) avenues. But it hasn’t changed. I can feel it, strong as ever. All that has changed is my rational belief that fully giving in to it will make me feel better. And that rationality could crumble at any point, if I get sufficiently emotional.
As long as my rational side is maintained, the danger I pose to others is minimal. While I remain inhibited, uncomfortable, anxious, and not my true self, I am not a risk. If I keep people at a distance.
But is that a life worth living? Knowing that you can’t ever really relax around others. If they only knew the truth, they would reject you. The best you could hope for is a kind of disgusted pity – you will never be loved or accepted, never part of the community. Always utterly alone, on a spiritual level. Outside of humanity.
There are times when I still think it’s worth trying to live a good life. To try and make the world a little bit less fucked up, reduce some of the needless suffering that abides everywhere. Or just to pursue my own goals (the less screwed up ones.)
Other times I just feel like a cancer – only fit to be removed. I’m the epitome of everything wrong with this world – how dare I think I should play any part in making it better! ‘Just crawl off & die, preferably painfully’.
Mostly I just feel incredibly alone. It’s crushing. I can barely function, let alone do anything beneficial for anyone. Knowing that your continued existence is a moral affront to everyone around you – how do you live with that?
8 comments
thehusk,
I am a villain, I’m a human being, I’m a danger to all life forms, a predator, I survive by consuming the flesh of other living creatures, which by the way they’d consume me if given the chance, I was born as this type of species, not my fault I wasn’t given a choice but I really don’t like it, when I was young I didn’t care, you know the stories, all these creature were place on earth for us to eat, it’s perfectly ok to kill to survive, because were special, I know better now and it sicken me. I’m a predator and I’m surround by predators, if I was giving the choice I would have turned it down, stayed in non existence, but it’s ok this is our function reality, but it’s one I will never be proud of. Just my off the wall rant.
Rocketman, I also feel somewhat bad about the animal exploitation I participate in. Veganism is now a viable lifestyle, but it’s quite a bit further down my list of concerns.
As I said, most of us cause hurt to other beings. I think it’s on a different level though. The range of mental suffering most animal species can experience seems much narrower. Human culture allows far greater extremes. Most animals are content with food & water, absence of physical pain, healthy offspring, and freedom to move unrestricted. A human being can have all of those things and yet still be in complete despair. The highs and lows are much greater.
It’s one things to exploit and risk pain to other creatures who you believe to be less worthy of moral consideration than yourself. That makes you a flawed human, along with the vast majority of your contemporaries.
It’s another to do the same to members of your own species, who you rationally know have the same capabilities of perception and emotional response to you.
You can’t be the villain if your victims won’t ever be capable of thinking in narrative terms. To a cow, you’re just another threatening shape.
“Suppose you come to realize that what really motivates you is rotten – that it comes from a place of hatred, resentment, fear and selfishness.”
– People don’t always deserve your kindness. Know when to stand up for yourself, and otherwise, if you think you’re doing the above, try to resolve whatever issues are making you act that way. The ideal state of being is to have inner peace and contentment, and a content person interacts with everyone as fairly as possible and doesn’t let any unfair actions from others reflect upon them.
“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” – Marcus Aurelius (Roman emperor)
P.S. It’s still possible to try to treat people fairly even if you are a miserable suicidal person, like everyone on this site. It’s not easy, but it can be done if you don’t let yourself get carried away with negative emotions. All strong emotions usually pass, so try not to succumb to anger or whatever.
thehusk,
Thanks like your responce, yes your right on talking about a different level!! 🙂 but that’s why i’m a villian 🙂 we are both villians!!!! your not alone!!!
I have worked in Department of Corrections for over a decade and I case managed many inmates whom were sex offenders. This is what came to my mind when reading your post as they are often thought of as unhuman and society often thinks the world would be better off without them in it, especially the paedophiles. I have no idea what you’re referring to in your post and it does not matter. It did not sound like you were talking about sexual offenses but this is what came to my mind when I read your post simply because of where I worked and having case managed sex offenders. I sincerely mean no offense by relating your post to sex offenders.
The fact is that we are all humans and we all have things about us that we want to change, even if that change is only desired because of a threat to our freedom or the possibility of our loved ones being hurt or disappointed. Most paedophiles I spoke with had been child victims of sexual abuse themselves and their psyche tries to normalize what happened to them in their childhood and they started molesting children as a way of coping with the torment in their mind. “It happened to me, so if I now do it to others it makes it appear normal.”
Some of the paedophiles had endured similar lives to me where women ridiculed and humiliated them but children never treated them like that and so they developed a sexual attraction to children because this was the only time where they found acceptance. I was especially interested in these people as although I hate having developed a humiliation/repulsion perversion, I am truly glad that I never turned to children looking for acceptance. But I see that it could have happened to me and I now realize that these men didn’t choose to be like they are, once again it is your life experiences that seem to make you the person that you are.
Not one of these men had normal sex lives and just woke up one day thinking, “OK, today I am going to sexually molest a child just to destroy their life.” Everyone of these men that I spoke with wished that they were not attracted to children but they couldn’t change what made them sexually aroused. I can understand this as I have long wanted to rid myself of my humiliation/repulsion perversion because it causes so much depression but I can’t change.
Obviously there are always exceptions and some of the paedophiles claimed to never having been sexually abused and had relatively normal sex lives with women but something made them attracted to women.
We don’t really know what makes us do many of the things that we do but society is always quick to judge with many people claiming that people are scum and we should learn from the animals. If this were true then we would have men going around having sex with any female physically ready to breed regardless of age with the only requirement being that you are first able to overpower any other male whom is protecting her. We consider ourselves to be more civilized than animals and as a society people have agreed on acceptable rules and boundaries. Maybe some people just have a more difficult time controlling natural urges or even unnatural urges that have developed due to your life experiences and have a hard time living up to societies morals.
I don’t think it is the fault of the individual that has unacceptable urges for simply having developed them due to whatever circumstances but it is up to each individual to try not to act on those urges as difficult as that may seem. Chemical castration has helped many paedophiles along with psychological help but as I said I have no idea what things you were referring to in your post and I am in no way inferring that you have any abnormal sexual urges, this was simply the thing that came to my mind having worked closely with sex offenders.
I’ll stop now I am rambling. I often write comments like this and then delete them as I don’t have much life experience with which I can relate to others so I have no right to offer anyone my thoughts. Screw it, this time I’ll hit the Post Comment button, although I do hope I haven’t offended you or any other Sp’ers. I wish you all the best in finding a solution.
You should change your handle to Somebody Insightful.
@SeeSmith
Thank you so much. I appreciate that but maybe “Somebody Insane” might be better.
Correction for above post ..should read…
Obviously there are always exceptions and some of the paedophiles claimed to never having been sexually abused and had relatively normal sex lives with women but something made them attracted to children.