It’s been almost a year since I last made a post on here, and, in all honesty, it’s because I’ve been gradually getting worse. I thought time away from any sort of socialisation would better improve my mental health. Well, that backfired entirely. For the past few months I’ve rarely gone online, with the exception of college research, and it’s just given me more time to dwell on everything.
The voices are worse, I hear them all day, everyday now. No, they’re not voices at all. They’re Angels. I know that now, they’d finally said. The Angels are deafening. I used to have some breaks between them, maybe a day – at most three days free of voices. However, they’re constant now. They wake me up after I’ve finally gone to sleep. They distract me at college – I was supposed to finish an A2 page of notes two weeks ago in class. I couldn’t concentrate, so I brought it home and it’s not even halfway done (it’s due Tuesday). They stop me from doing anything. I don’t even eat because I get too absorbed with them. Whenever I’m out or at home, they tell me of the cameras. They’re everywhere, and despite looking for them, I can’t find them. They’re hidden well.
Of course, I haven’t told my psychiatrist how often I hear them and how much they interfere. Not that it would do anything. I saw her Wednesday and as sons as I said ‘voices’ (I’ve never told her they’re Angels) she started laughing and shaking her head. She instantly dismisses them as my thoughts and tells me how I need to stop referring to them as voices. She’s almost lowering my antidepressant dose (I don’t take them anyway, the angels tell me not to), even after I said my mood has drastically dropped.
My psychiatrist just wants me to get worse – more worse than I already am. She doesn’t like me, she’s sick of me. Or she knows about the Angels. I once entertained the idea that she hears them too, but she can’t. She mustn’t. She doesn’t believe in them. Only I do.
So that’s it, really. My psychiatrist wants me worse. Maybe she even planted some of the cameras. She probably did. And now I have no one to trust except the Angels.
9 comments
Your psychiatrist is terrible in her job. Please, please find somebody else. When you get worse you need something to really help you.
I’ve had multiple people to try and help me with things like this over the past 4 or so years, and none of which have helped. I can’t trust any of them anymore anyway
What did the others say about the voices?
I don’t think you have to put complete trust in them. Just enough to use their suggestions as a guide. But they have to take your issues seriously or they’re just not worth seeing. I would complain about this one.
If you can’t trust your psychiatrist, get a new one. Now. And if there is a difference between the Angels and your thoughts, you truly need to disclose that information, because it seems like they are running interference between you and functionality. Them being quiet would do you some good. Besides, psychiatrists can’t try to help if they don’t know everything.
“She’s almost lowering my antidepressant dose (I don’t take them anyway, the angels tell me not to), even after I said my mood has drastically dropped” Um maybe if you took the medicine it might improve your mood, I know for a lot of people it takes experimentation but eventually they find some medicine that works.
As for the cameras… There are cameras everywhere. There are traffic cameras and security cameras all over the place, but those were put there by people, with the purpose of catching crime, not to watch any one individual (Not to mention the phone cameras when people constantly take videos).
I’ve saw this psychiatrist for the past 2-3 years, with others in between, and last time I asked for a new one she said she would talk to her team. Needless to say, she never mentioned it again to me. I took my antidepressants for about a year and a half before coming off them completely at the beginning of this year as they did nothing whatsoever for the duration I took them (my psychiatrist refused to up to dose). The cameras they tell me of aren’t the street cameras or security ones.They’re smaller, hidden ones. Like ones people use to spy on people with. They’re in my house, too.
If you don’t like this doctor and she’s not working for you, then you have every right to get a new one. I don’t think she can force you to stick with her. Like I said most people have to experiment with the medication before they find one that works, it sounds like this one just wasn’t working for you.
What do you think of the cameras?
Have to agree with everyone on this one, get a new psychiatrist. If you say “voices” and “interfering with my life” in the same sentence to a half-decent psychiatrist, trust me, he/she WILL take you seriously and look further into the problem. Obviously the one you’re seeing now doesn’t take your words seriously enough (and nope… i don’t think that’s because she hears the voices).
Sometimes the longer you stay with a psychiatrist the more they think they “know” you and they get more comfortable with you and put their own agenda on you. She is doing what she thinks is “best” for you, but you need to find someone who will listen to you.
If you don’t then you will have to find a way to work with the “angels” and come to some sort of agreement like they won’t bother you at this hour at this time and then when it is their turn to speak/disturb you you’ll listen to them.
I wish I could help.
Many years ago my best friend in highschool started wandering the path that you are on. His mind was bright and intricate and fragile and beautiful. The drugs they gave him gummed it up, but also kept him alive. He’d go off his meds from time to time and we’d look for him, grab him, force him to take his pills, and he’d be OK for a while – if you can call that being “OK”. Eventually he went off his meds and never came back.
Some people manage to balance the meds, the life changes, and the voices. My friend couldn’t but maybe you can. I hope you do.
Peace be with you.