So here I am at 19, on a page for releasing thoughts of suicide or just flat out depression. Manic, major, whatever it is that gets to you.
I have had an awesome life so far, I’ve done so many things, and I have seen so many things. But these past few weeks I’ve just gotten hit hard with depression. The past couple days I have contemplated suicide. So tonight I tried it, I tried hard, but i can’t bring myself to do it. I had a belt pulled around my neck as hard as I could possibly have it, and I’m glad I couldn’t, because that’s just not me. I’m always the guy with a smile on his face, who brings happiness to everyone else. Everyone wonders, “Joe, how do you stay happy all the time?”. I tell them that I just do what I want to everyday, I have no schedule and no boundaries. I wish I could tell myself that as easy as I do everyone else.
I graduated two years ago with super high intentions of how my life would unfold, which its gone mostly that way. I have a great job with tons of friends. I have my free time and the money to go and go the things I would like. When I first started getting depressed I deleted my Facebook and Instagram because I thought I was spending too much time on them. I told myself I needed to revamp my life to what it used to be. But I realize writing this that I just have to move on and make it what I want it to be. I skate for sport, and I even slowed down with that because I figured i was wasting too much time not doing something more worth the money. Don’t ever think that if you’re not making money that you’re not doing something. Anything is something. I always tell my friends to go outside at least for a few minutes of the day. Inside is no Bueno, especially if you’re depressed. It’s like depression drank espresso and is wired, but to you, making you feel the drag.
4 comments
Depressed for a few weeks and you put a belt around your neck? That’s some kind of serious dip. What happened?
I’m not too sure, nothing really. Everything has been fine and all of a sudden it hit me.
Mmm… sounds like you’ve either been repressing stuff for a long time, or that depression is something so new to you that it just knocked you out completely. Like you say, not making money while doing something you enjoy is not wasted time. Maybe you should stick to your plan of rebuilding your life and the act itself of doing something might alleviate the depression your having? i’m saying this because (i might be wrong) you sound a bit like those people who always have to be doing something or they get confused and depressed (i’m one of those). Again, i might be wrong, but it’s worth a shot.
If you have a GP you trust, you could maybe think about making an appt. In was in the exact same situation. Was always pretty happy, life was pretty easy for me, then I had to be careful not to walk on busy streets as the only thing I could ‘feel’ was an imagined the impact of a truck. I knew it was not healthy. Anyway, I still struggle sometimes, but at least now I have a psychiatrist and psychologist when I need it, and they have helped a lot. It might be better to stay on top of it.
Good luck. And keep fighting. (and keep the belts around your waist ; ) )