I just want my life back.. Swim team, varsity soccer captain, cheer squad, student council… A perfect boyfriend, and perfect friends. I had a life, and an amazing future to look forward to.
The thing is, I was amazing at faking it. I put on a smile and didn’t let anyone ever see it fade. And now too much has happened and I’m exhausted from lying and being someone I can’t be anymore.
I want my mom back.
I want to be that blissfully happy teenager who had no worries. Instead of this depressed anxiety-ridden maniac that walks around like the living dead. I might be alive, but inside I died along with my mom.
I can’t form any sort of relationship with a guy because I run away. And I wish I didn’t, trust me, but I can’t stop myself. I don’t even realize what I’m doing before it’s too late.
Life gave me all the warning signs, they all warned me and told me to be good, but I charged on and never looked back. And now I’m stuck in the past. I have nothing but obligations, no love, no hope.
5 comments
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom a few months so have a idea what you might be feeling. Do you someone you can talk with?
I lost mine 1 year and 1 month ago. It gets harder and harder because I just keep going over the things i did wrong. I have people I can talk to, but I try to give them all what they want, and what they want is not a depressed buzz-kill.
I lost my mom in 2006. I was there when she died and did.CPR for several minutes until the ambulance got there, to no avail. You can bet I’ve relived that scene in my mind hundreds of times, wondering what I could’ve/should’ve done differently that day. But you know what? Even if I were to come up with an answer, it wouldn’t change the present. We are where we are, right now.
I’m willing to bet that wherever your mom is right now, she’s already forgiven you for any mistakes you may have made. Perhaps it’s time you also forgave yourself. ?
If you want to chat I am pretty good at listening. If you prefer email its my username at hot mail c om
Do you have a counsellour or some such?
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure such a terrible loss, and that you’ve lost so many other things in your life. A lot of those things, running away without realising it, being depressed and unable to talk to people about it, can turn around over time. People here will always listen. I’m sorry things are so dark. I hope you see some light soon.