If memories only serve a catalyst for misery and my future is bleak?
There is nothing, my anxiety destroys any prospect I would ever have. Are some destined to exit early? I find myself asking this question a lot. Very little makes me genuinely happy, I’m never safe in my own skin. It’s sad to say I feel the most comfortable and at home when I am alone. How pathetic my life has become. So many mistakes I have made, I wish I owned a fucking time machine (I’m sure a lot of people think that). Being haunted everyday with no ability to make new memories to distract myself. Is that me telling myself that, or my illness tricking me? I’m sick of trying to fit in. Faking my emotions, faking everything I display to others. I laugh at myself and what life is. This perversion of society that has come to be is just something that isn’t for me. I can’t keep doing this much longer. A means to an end is what my life has become. There is no love, there is just… nothing there.
5 comments
The point is circles are pointless.
I’ve heard there are methods that can help reduce and even control anxiety, I know it’s a really unpleasant experience on a small scale, it’s got to be miserable all the time.
Why do we fake our emotions? It’s not like it’s achieving anything. I suppose they would lock us up if we were our authentic selves. Bah. At least we can be honest here.
I can assure you staying in your ‘safe bubble’ is not going to get rid of your anxiety/depression. The best thing to do is to re-engage with the world, in some environment or situation that makes you feel comfortable. Start small and work your way up.
I’ve had my bouts with anxiety on the odd occasion, and I’m well aware with the sense of disorientation and alienation one feels in that state-but keep in mind it is a certain mental state-it’s not normal. If you persist in it, then of course it’ll appear that there is no other way to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I also struggle with the question of suicide as well-much more than I used to in my past. The things I desperately want seem much less attainable than they used to. Like you I agonize over mistakes I’ve made in the past-mostly with passing up on opportunities, particularly with dating. I’ve also come extremely close to making a ton of money, but made some dumb mistakes like not investing when I should’ve-I would’ve been in a very different situation right now.
A few things have kept me going-for instance, girls have checked me/shown interest in me when I really didn’t expect it and despite being out of shape. Plus I’ve got some experience in business. Those are the two main things I wanted out of life, girls and money and I think I still have a shot at getting both. But the day-to-day struggle can sometimes be overwhelming and sometimes it just seems like a better idea to give up.
The only thing stopping me is knowing I having yet really given it my best shot yet. Once I get fit again, try my luck with women (again) and at business and if all of that fails, then I’ll know I tried and failed and just end it after that.
I’m also hating my family right now so I know I really won’t be missing any of them. People just can’t seem to stfu and accept others for who they are. They gotta judge and start arguments over nothing.
I was planning to start a new life anyways-I’m seriously considering transitioning as well (mtf) so if I have a beef with my friends/family, it’ll make it that much easier to cut them off and start over.
*haven’t yet…
You need a regular time machine. Fucking time machines are for porn stars.
I understand your point about only having bad memories. Depression causes a bunch of negative editing of your past. Part of getting better involves reclaiming the good times. It is by no means simple.
I also feel this society isn’t for me, but I also believe love is everywhere. Why just yesterday a homeless man caressed me for a dollar. That is love. Yes, It’s a sticky, smelly, tubercular love, but it’s love all the same.
“A means to an end is what my life has become.” I think that is an outstanding quote! Very nice.