This morning I sent out all my thanksgiving text to my family and close loved ones. Tellin them that I love them and the reason why I’m thankful for them. At least they’ll know how I feel when I off myself. I’ve been on this site since 2012 and nothing hasn’t gotten better. It only got worse.
I guess this is why rape victims never come forward about anything. I’ve only told 5 of my closest friends and out of the five, two have told me it was my fault and one doesn’t believe me after I told him the whole story from start to finish. He said “you liked him so you probably agreed to most of it.” He said he didn’t know how the incident occurred even after I told him everything from start to finish. I’m just so pissed off that I thought I could come to my closest friends and its either my fault or they don’t even believe me. Which makes me feel better about not even telling anyone in the first place because of this exact reason.
Why the hell would I lie about this and only tell 5 people who are my closest friends? What the fuck do I have to gain from this? My roommate and my downstairs neighbor even heard something going wrong that night. I think about it every single day the moment I wake up. Even after it happened I didn’t even want to write about it on my own damn blog because I was afraid. I know what happened because it replays in my mind all the time. Every time I see him my heart feels like it’s going to explode and I literally just turn around and go back home before he even sees me. I’m just so fucking done with these people. I have every right to not speak to them again right? I’m just so hurt and angry. I knew this would happen.
Besides this, I’m failing in school and on academic probation and getting kicked out this semester. It doesn’t get better from here. I’ve decided on the date which will be on my birthday, (Jan. 9th) and I’ve chosen a method that I know will work. I think I said my goodbyes this morning in those text messages. I was not made for life. I just suck at everything I do and there is no point in sticking around. I’ve predicted half my life already and everything I’ve predicted happened. I see nothing for my future and don’t want to be alive when it happens.
10 comments
I respect your decision. I’ve also decided to end it on my birthday (31 Dec), not this year though. I still have some things I want to do. I just wonder what it will be like for them when my bday comes around after Im gone.
I wont try to talk you out of it. Its your decision. Just as I dont want people to talk me out of my decision.
Wish you well in your journey.
Thanks for understanding ylem. I wish you the best on your journey as well.
Hey,
So heres the thing, people suck. Whether be it our parents, or the guy who works at starbucks or your high school crush. They are all gonna hurt you, misunnderstand you. They are all gonna make you suffer.
Bob marley said that, he said “everyones gonna make you suffer. Youve got to find the ones suffering for”.
Now although i cant empathize with you, and have never been through what you have, what i can tell you is suicide is not THE answer.
Yes, it wil eliminate the possibility of your life ever detoriating, but at the same time itll end the chance of your life ever getting better.
And as for the guy who violated you, i think you ought to report it. Although you might be from somewhere like i am where the victim is hushed and the attacker protected.
But ill still say, dont commit suicide, dont kill yourself, youre much to precious to be wasted over petty people.
And if you ever wanna talk, i guarantee all of us at SP, including me, are here.
Take care.
Thank you for your comment Sui. You are so right. I just hope I can find peace before my intended date. But I don’t know. Thank you again. <3
NO NO NO NO.
THERE DOESNT HAVE TO BE AN INTENDED DATE. YOU CAN HAVE A WHOLE LIFE. A WHOLE LIFE FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AND LOVELY EXPERIENCES.
YOU NEED TO GET RID OF POISONOUS PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE(believe me its hard but worth it).
DONT KILL YOURSELF. PEOPLE STILL LOVE YOU. PLEASE TALK. DONT COMMIT SUICIDE.
p.s.
All caps means i am shouting out of desperation.
It’s hard for people to understand what they don’t know, so they criticize and judge and make opinions that aren’t true.
YOU’RE OK. Listen…don’t judge yourself by what others say. You’re ok, fine…doesn’t seem that way at this moment, but you’ve made it this far. One day at at time. Just get through today and don’t worry about tomorrow. Today…you’re ok.
Thank you Randall, I’ll try to take it one day at a time.
Don’t listen to those friends. It’s not your fault. Friends are suppose to stick by each other and trust one another. Leave those friends. You’re allowed to come forward about the incident and be treated with respect.
I really hope something will change for the better before the date you wish to end it all. I really just want you to know it’s not your fault. You have the right to speak out.
Thank you for this. I was really confused on whether I should stop talking to them or not. But im going to take your advice and stop speaking to them. Thank you for the comment.
I agree with hiohneh’s comment about your friends. To dismiss something that serious isn’t to act like a friend. It would be cruel to treat anyone like that. Maybe they don’t understand what happened or how it could affect you, but they should know that the way they reacted is far from okay. It was really offensive and unkind. Hopefully they’ll realise, but unless you do they don’t sound like helpful or supportive people to have in your life.
It sounds like you have several huge stresses and sources of pain in your life at the moment, so it’s understandable that you’ve been thinking about dates and methods. I hope something good happens for you between now and your birthday, and it takes some of the pain away. I’d try not to think about the future when you feel like this – it’ll only seem like another burden. Just try to get through each day one at a time, and try to stay around supportive people. I hope things get better for you. I hope you find peace and happiness. 🙂