Beginning of my Anxiety

Warning: This is extremely long, wordy, and unimportant.

I was just thinking.. Where did my anxiety come from? I used to be extremely outgoing. What happened?

The first time I can really remember being anxious and embarrassed of myself was back in my Sophomore year of High School. I was taking an advanced college placement speech class and it was mixed with sophomores and some seniors who put it off until their last year.

I was always outgoing and friends/acquaintances with everyone at our school (it was a small school). I wasn’t one of the “it” girls, or the girl everyone wanted, but I was nice to everyone and I’d say I was pretty popular and well known–in a good way. I was never embarrassed to speak in front of people. So the act of giving a speech was not the issue.

For the very first speech of the class, we had to create a poster about ourselves and things we liked and enjoyed doing. It was just kind of an introductory speech so everyone in the class could get to know you. It had to be decorated and personalized, just for a small visualization of your personality and creativity.

When I was creating my poster, I didn’t give anything a second thought. There was no hesitation in what I put on there. It was all just stuff about me. Everything on there made up who I was, and I liked myself at the time.

When I was giving my speech and presenting who I was to everyone, I did so with confidence. I was proud of how my poster looked and I wasn’t afraid to admit anything about myself. I got to the third point of my poster, which was the fact I enjoyed writing poetry, and I heard some of the people in the class chuckle or look at each other and whisper things.

Inevitably, the few seniors in there laughed at me, but I didn’t care about them. My IQ was higher than theirs and I was three years younger than them. They were only graduating because they cheat on everything. Plus this was their last year (hopefully) so I wouldn’t have to deal with them again anyway. The thing that bothered me was my peers laughing and joking about me to their neighbors.

I don’t remember ever feeling that embarrassed and ashamed of myself in my life up until that day. The rest of my speech, I spoke quietly and hesitantly. I just wanted to run out of the room. They didn’t just laugh at the fact I liked writing poetry. They laughed directly at who I am. The rest of that day I could only think of that. I don’t know why I told everyone that. I don’t know what benefit I thought it would provide me in life. It’s not like anyone was going to bond with me over it. I was so stupid.

I made myself vulnerable. It was my fault. The reason I’m this way now is all because of me. I let my guard down and allowed anxiety to walk right up to me. And for what? I don’t even write anymore.. But for the past five years I’ve lived with anxiety, and it’s only getting worse. The fear of rejection, embarrassment, impropriety, inadequacy, etc. I did it to myself.