Warning: This is extremely long, wordy, and unimportant.
I was just thinking.. Where did my anxiety come from? I used to be extremely outgoing. What happened?
The first time I can really remember being anxious and embarrassed of myself was back in my Sophomore year of High School. I was taking an advanced college placement speech class and it was mixed with sophomores and some seniors who put it off until their last year.
I was always outgoing and friends/acquaintances with everyone at our school (it was a small school). I wasn’t one of the “it” girls, or the girl everyone wanted, but I was nice to everyone and I’d say I was pretty popular and well known–in a good way. I was never embarrassed to speak in front of people. So the act of giving a speech was not the issue.
For the very first speech of the class, we had to create a poster about ourselves and things we liked and enjoyed doing. It was just kind of an introductory speech so everyone in the class could get to know you. It had to be decorated and personalized, just for a small visualization of your personality and creativity.
When I was creating my poster, I didn’t give anything a second thought. There was no hesitation in what I put on there. It was all just stuff about me. Everything on there made up who I was, and I liked myself at the time.
When I was giving my speech and presenting who I was to everyone, I did so with confidence. I was proud of how my poster looked and I wasn’t afraid to admit anything about myself. I got to the third point of my poster, which was the fact I enjoyed writing poetry, and I heard some of the people in the class chuckle or look at each other and whisper things.
Inevitably, the few seniors in there laughed at me, but I didn’t care about them. My IQ was higher than theirs and I was three years younger than them. They were only graduating because they cheat on everything. Plus this was their last year (hopefully) so I wouldn’t have to deal with them again anyway. The thing that bothered me was my peers laughing and joking about me to their neighbors.
I don’t remember ever feeling that embarrassed and ashamed of myself in my life up until that day. The rest of my speech, I spoke quietly and hesitantly. I just wanted to run out of the room. They didn’t just laugh at the fact I liked writing poetry. They laughed directly at who I am. The rest of that day I could only think of that. I don’t know why I told everyone that. I don’t know what benefit I thought it would provide me in life. It’s not like anyone was going to bond with me over it. I was so stupid.
I made myself vulnerable. It was my fault. The reason I’m this way now is all because of me. I let my guard down and allowed anxiety to walk right up to me. And for what? I don’t even write anymore.. But for the past five years I’ve lived with anxiety, and it’s only getting worse. The fear of rejection, embarrassment, impropriety, inadequacy, etc. I did it to myself.
4 comments
No. No. No. Did I say no?
Vulnerability is wonderful. Open venerability is so rare. 99% of everyone out there marches from childhood to adulthood, picking up pieces of armor to cover their hearts. No matter how much they protect themselves they never feel safe. They end up with so many layers the sunlight can never get in. If the have a real emotion it can’t get out because their armor has become a prison.
The secret is to throw away the armor except for the awareness that you are perfect just the way you are. Yes, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune will wound you more than others. But also the sunlight will come in. You will laugh more. You will love more. Everyone will be in awe of your honesty and sincerity.
The only other suggestion I have is to cultivate a bad attitude. Bless my parents, when I would came home after people at school made fun of me they said, “Fuck them. Fuck them with knobby sticks.” So I learned to develop a particular innocent smile that I showed when people made fun of me at school. That smile said, “Fuck you. Fuck you with a knobby stick.” It served me well.
I agree with SeeSmith. It’s a rare and wonderful thing to hold onto.
You didn’t “allow” the anxiety – sometimes it just takes hold of people. It isn’t something you did. Don’t blame yourself.
There are ways to train your mind out of anxiety. Once you leave it behind, people laughing won’t hurt anymore. I know it’s debilitating and makes life more painful, but people learn to overcome it. I’m sorry you’ve had to live with it for so long. The same thing happened to me. Please don’t ever think that it’s your fault.
Loving that disclaimer. The people who really need it always omit it.
I recently began working in a store, and I can tell you: people behave in all sorts of different ways, and it seldom has very much to do with you. Some customers are assholes. Every single time they come in. They’re rude, impatient, unpleasant. Some are a little crazy. Some are incredibly nice. A lot are just a bit awkward and average.
I understand that you’re bothered, but I think you were onto something with how you thought back then: this is me, this is what I like, and that is fine. You were being honest about who you are; they were sniggering cowardly in the back.