Hi, I am a first time poster here however I have been reading a lot of the various pieces that have been put up and thought I would tell my story in the hope that it will help someone else or maybe even me, so here goes.
I am 30 years old, male, live in Scotland. I have a good job, own my flat and a car. Basically have all the materialistic things that matter to many people. I have fantastic friends and family – there are seven billion people in the world and I honestly feel like I couldn’t hand pick better people to have in my life, but here’s the rub…
I suffer from depression, I tried hanging myself 2 months ago in the cemetery my mum is buried in but the police were alerted and stopped me before I could do it. I had thought about suicide before that moment but never felt hard pushed to go through with it but 2 months ago was different. I was at breaking point. I still am now. Part of me doesn’t want to kill myself but when I think of why that is the only reason I come back to is that my friends and family would blame themselves for this and whilst I would be dead it doesn’t sit well with me to think that the blame for my defective… (what would we call it?) Nature? Would be a burden they would all carry for the rest of their lives.
I would love nothing more than to just disappear from the people I care most about, but maybe that would be worse? See the thing with depression, with feeling this way, for me, it’s the feeling of not seeing a time when I will be better and actually a part of me not wanting to be better. I feel empty, everyday is a fight, I fight just to try and pull myself from the dark thoughts I have and from the feeling of abject failure and loss. To me, depression is me standing on the side of a cliff with one foot hovering over the void below and a voice next to me telling me to just “take one more step” but I don’t want to take that step, I would rather someone pushed me because I am a morally bankrupt person. My mind is like a row of broken, empty bottles. I have done nothing to earn anyone’s love for me but I have done plenty to earn their hate, but they don’t. They keep loving me. I don’t deserve their love and I don’t want it any more.
The past week or so has made my thoughts much clearer, I have a clarity I did not have before. My story is coming to it’s final chapter I think. The thing is, I am quite prepared for it. I will never experience having children or getting married or being happy but I am ok with all of this because in my interpretation of life and death, we all have a time to go. Sometimes the moment is chosen for us and sometimes the individual chooses the moment.
I realise all of the above is absolute gibberish and almost certainly reads as a script of poor clichés and I do apologise for that but this has been a good experience for me, I hope that people can take something away from my story / ramblings.
I don’t know what my future holds – to disappear or to commit suicide but I do know that I am ready for whatever comes.
Thank you for taking the time to read the above.
7 comments
I’ll have you know it really depressed me that I’ve never gone overseas. In fact, there is a higher chance I will be shot than go overseas. So you should stay alive just because you live in Scotland! Yes, silly I know, but it illustrates the point, badly, that a different perspective changes everything.
You sound resigned to you fate, but do you want to live if you didn’t have depression hanging over you? Or are you tired of everything?
If you are determined to end yourself you could try something radical first. Like sell everything you own, and I mean everything, and travel until the money is gone… then kill yourself. Or try volunteering for an organization that goes to out of the way corners of the world and feeds people or teaches them to use computers.
It could turn out that your depression isn’t all because there is something wrong with you but more because you are trapped in a materialistic culture with skewed values. You might find that walking away from everything that you’ve been trained to hunger for liberates you.
And, once again, if it doesn’t work out you have the power to end your own life.
Going to the graveyard where your mother is burried sounds pretty significant. How long ago did she pass? Did you have a good relationship with her? (If you don’t mind me asking.)
Nothing you wrote sounded trite or gibberishical. Saying you are “morally bankrupt” is harsh. People that con old ladies or abuse kids are morally bankrupt. You sound like a human being with good and bad points like the rest of us. Nothing wrong with that.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for. I hope you consider trying to do something transformative with your life. Given the choice between doing something unexpected and different vs being dead, I think your friends and family would prefer you not dead.
Maybe you should ask them what they think. Of course they will freak out, but the exact nature of their freak outs can be very illuminating.
Hi SeeSmith, Hazy Day Sunflower, Trix and Golden Hour Photo,
I cannot tell you adequately enough how much the simple act of strangers feeling invested enough in what I had written to comment and offer me their opinions has made me feel. I just wanted to say thankyou. It lifts my spirits which is not something that happens all that often nowadays.
My mum died 9 years ago, two days before Christmas, she had lung cancer and she had been diagnosed the year before so it wasn’t a sudden death. I miss her every single day. I thought that maybe with time the pain I have in my heart would gradually disappear / recede, but it hasn’t. I feel like I was robbed of having her in my life. There is so many things my mum hasn’t / wont see. Things I wish I had told her, and I am scared. Scared that if I let go of the pain in my heart that I will forget her, part of me knows that this is an irrational thought but what if it’s not?
I am on Mirtazapine but to be honest I have stopped taking them. I don’t know why either. Part of me want’s to get better but there is part of me that feels that my depression is here for the rest of my life and that destroys me because Its a fight and its a fight I don’t think I will win. The thought of having to battle just to be content or happy in life is soul destroying for me. After what happened two months ago, my family and friends all know and do what they can to help me but they can’t. All my friends are getting married and having kids and I am absolutely delighted for all of them because it is one of the things that makes me smile, seeing the people I love happy.
I feel like I am on a wee block of ice and I am drifting away from everyone. All I really want though, is for the ice to melt.
I don’t think I deserve my life, I know that there are people all over the world who are in much worse situations but that doesn’t help my thought process. I am angry and sad and frustrated and tired. I have changed so much in the last ten years but not for the better. I thought my life would be worth something, that I would achieve something but I don’t think I was ever destined for that. There is so much I would like to say but as I sit here and think about typing it here I stop myself because I must sound like an extremely needy, pathetic excuse for a human. So I won’t bother but I just want to say thanks again for reading my ramblings.
I’m so glad you came back to comment again.
I don’t think you could forget her, so there isn’t a need to worry about that.
If the mirtazapine was helping, please start taking it again. I’m not the biggest fan of medications, mainly because people with severe depression usually need more to overcome it, and I think some doctors rely too much on drugs alone. But if it even takes the edge of then it has to be a good thing right now. I understand why that thought is destroying, but remember that people recover from depression, and a recovery means an end to that struggle and all the pain that comes with it.
You don’t sound needy or pathetic in the slightest. If you feel up to posting again to say more of the things you wanted to say, that’s exactly what this place is for. 🙂
You seem to have a great deal of insight into yourself. If you understand you have depression, and it isn’t situational but chemical, have you tried medicine?
I fucking deplore medicine but, and this is a little pez of advice, why not try it? Worse case scenario is it doesn’t work. The rope isn’t going anywhere.
I’m very sorry about your mum’s passing. If you don’t mind me asking, did it happen recently? Did that or something else happen two months ago, or did the depression get more severe of its own accord?
Have you tried treatments for depression? Do you still have better times? I understand what it’s like to have a part of you not want to get better, and to spend every waking moment trying to pull away from the dark thoughts.
I think it’s very unlikely that those people would love you if you’d done nothing to earn it. I’m guessing you don’t want it either because it seems meaningless or (probably more likely) because it’s an obstacle to get past before you can die. But it’s clearly there. I don’t know how set on this you already are, but I wouldn’t like to think of you dying without trying even one or two of the various forms of help out there.
Living can be hard. Like a weight constantly pressed down upon your chest, and fighting that weight can be exhausting. Feeling the pressure of your social influences will not help alone with that fight. You need to want to fight it for yourself. Try to remember what things used to bring you enjoyment. Especially with other people. Did you like to read or write? You are obviously well spoken. Is there something that brought you happiness before that brings pain now to do? Then do it. The hardest step to doing something is to begin to do it.
Do not feel shame. You are not “defective”. Everyone has these feelings, and every one of us wishes we could find something worth fighting for. It’s not the same for every person, and I wish sincerely I could give my hope to you. But it is something within yourself that only you can reach. I can only be there for you until you find it. With that, I hope you realize that if a stranger like me can hope for you that your loved ones deserve the same chance to do so. Reach out to them. Tell them of your pain. Trust in their love for you. I hope this reaches you in time.
And if you’d like to talk about what happened 2 months ago, please do.
Hi from the other side of the world. Wow it sounds like you have so much going for yourself. You know I go through phases of depression, and I tend to enjoy a good wallow in self pity, and I can also understand the pain you are going through, I recently lost someone also. I have found being distracted really helps. Look outside of yourself, is there maybe someone you could help? Are you interested in starting a gym membership? Seems like a Waste of a good life. If it is clinical depression, try the medication. If it doesn’t work, try a different sort. Please understand there are people who care about you.