The worst part of my situation, engulfing emotional pain from loss of love (and I am just below 40, not a teenager), is that I find no consolation. I guess I’ve most often been an agnostic concerning most things both religious, esoteric, “supernatural”, etc. So many days and sleepless nights I have prayed to, like I think Diem S Sky said, a “nameless entity” for something. To a god or goddess, dead family or forefathers, angels, demons, spirits, just *anyone* or *anything* that might have heard me. And I’ve felt nothing. I’ve asked for so many things. I know there are only three options for me:
1) My love gives me/us one more chance (and oh I will make the best of it!)
2) a miracle of which I am unaware right now could make me feel human again, like my soul is not torn out
3) the final sleep, self-induced
Number 1 would of course itself be a miracle, and the option I prefer. But neither 1 or 2 seems likely to happen. It leaves me to opt out eventually.
I’ve prayed to these nameless entities which I hopes listening, about getting another chance and seriously asked for forgivness for my mistandes and offered an honest will to change aspects of who I am for the better. I’ve prayed for strength to get through all of this. I’ve prayed for just a little calm and peace in my soul, heart and head, if only for a short while, so that I could get one nights full sleep. I’ve prayed for a painless death during sleep, so as not to wake up again to yet another empty day. I’ve prayed for, if I cant die during sleep, for courage to ens my own life. I’ve prayed for the pain to go away – either by just making me stop loving her or by forgetting our years entirely. Not one second have I been answered as I’ve felt. For three months now life has been a living torment. It is as though life itself is a torturer, punishing me for my mistakes enslessly. I am saying to the torturer:
“Please end the pain, I give up, I am changed, I am sorry, I *do* understand and will not be an idiot again if I can help it! Just stop the pain!”
But the torturer doesnt listen, doesnt believe me, or doesnt care. He/she continually grips harder around my heart with icy claws as if asking, smirking:
“Oh really now…? really??”
… and grips harder and harder no matter what I say. It is nothing I can say or do to please this torturer to make him/her stop the torturing. He/she will settle for nothing intill I opt out.
Not one second during my prayers have I felt any consolation, wamth, calm, solace, strength, support. Just nothing. It really does feel empty when you do have a will to change and be better and make things better. It does feel empty when you in desperation, in the darkest period of your life, grasp out for something… something “supernatural” because you know it is the only thing that can help you, and you feel just Nothing.
I do not want to die. I want to feel good again. And I cant without her. I just cant, no matter how I try. I suppose she can taste my desperation and that doesnt help.
I do not want to die, I just want extreme emotional pain to end. But since it seems it will not go away by other means than death, I am starting to have no choice. I can not live like this, pain is starting to become my natural state of being, and that is not a life. For three months I have not felt a single happy emotion. Not one. It is all sorrow, pain, longing, regret, remorse, hopelessness, emptiness, despair, fear, anguish, self-loathing. It is not healthy of course. I am constantly ruminating on a hopeless situation and I can not stop. Even the few minutes at night when I try to sleep and try so hard to think about other things, my heart pounds so hard that after only seconds or at best a minute or two, I am back to ruminating on what has happened, how it can be fixed (it cant, by less than a miracle).
I am starting to worry about my mental health in the long run. Of course I am permanently damaged by this emotionally. Of that there is no doubt. But if I by one of the miracles get through this, I am worrying that also my psychological health, my mind, will be permanently damaged by the constantly pain, ruminating and lack of sleep.
Oh “universe”, whoever listens and may still have some warm feelings for me… help me. Just… anything. A nights sleep. A minute of joy. Just… anything. Anything.
8 comments
I’ve also prayed before – either to be killed or to be given even the smallest relief from the pain. If I’d really believed that it would work, maybe it would have done. You probably feel like your mind is out of your control now, but it’s capable of more than you might think. I think it’s unlikely that your mind will be permanently damaged. I wouldn’t worry about that.
I’ve also thought about it many times like a torturer. To me when it’s at its worst, it’s like a monster. It’s exactly like someone/something else wants me to feel that way. I don’t know whether 1 is possible, but I don’t think 2 would need a miracle. I haven’t made it work for myself yet, but I think it’s possible when you realise which steps you need to take. Lots of people go to see a therapist, or see a doctor and get given medication to take. Sometimes when you see a doctor it can seem that your options are limited, but there are countless other therapies, groups, self-help techniques, treatment courses, etc out there – essentially ways to learn to be happier. I know your individual problem has caused you a lot of pain, but now it’s become so relentless you might want to consider something along those lines. If you don’t know how to end the pain yourself, it makes sense to seek out other people who have done so or who offer an answer. For some people the pain will lift naturally, but once it gets that severe you shouldn’t be left waiting for a possible end.
I’m sorry about what happened to you. I hope you have that better moment or a peaceful night soon.
Thankyou for your words, Trix. It is good to hear that, IF I come out of this, maybe I can worry less about actually having lost a portion of my sanity. Of course there is a chance regardless the outcome of what happens with my ex that I actually WILL come out of this on the other side, battered and bruised like heck, we never *know* what will happen in the future. One day I might wake up feeling ok, as slim as that chance is there are still a possibility. Of course I hope the best. As I said, death is not something I wish for really – it is just that it is the only way I can see myself get out of this pain and hell that is my life and feelings for several months now. I will at least hold on until the new year. Sure every day is a pain, and yes, almost unbearable (definetily so in the long run), but I can hold on for a couple of months more. I need to let that decision (if that is what it is) sink in. I need to think of where and when. I need to think of what to do before. I am new to these kinds of thought (well, in my late teens I had shallow thoughts about it, but no “real” ones as I can remember). My life has been ok. It is just that losing the love of your life because stupid mutual comments, decisions and conflicts is more than I can bear. I really could find “someone else”, I’ve never been socially anxious nor ugly.. it’s just that… I can’t bear the thought of being with someone else. All else pales in comparision. Sure, she has flaws en masse. Not perfect at all. Not even “perfect” for me, we had a fair share of disagreements. But these things matters not, because I love her with an intensity that I did not thought possible even before the breakup. Ironic and classic, maybe. But unbearable, nonetheless. I can’t deal with it. The pain must end, one way or the other, and I know of no way to make it stop save her return or my death. It is sad, I never thought I would be this destroyed and utterly crushed as a human.
Shards,
I think this is one of those times when you end up feeling desperate to do something… but it’s probably not a good time to make any dramatic decisions. I know it seems unbearable, but please try to take one day at a time for now. I’m sorry you feel so destroyed. It’s more pain than anyone should have to feel at one time.
The closest I get to a spiritual feeling of peace is when I watch the new Cosmos series.
Every day I light a candle at an online church. If I am really in a state I post a prayer there and the church in real life (in London if that is relevant) light a real candle and pray the prayer I left. Some of the prayers people leave are pretty sad. I dunno it kind of helps me. I have had very religious phases in my life (I am 42) but I have really lost my faith. The little bit of what is more hope than faith is a comfort to me. I am just gonna go ahead and light a candle and say a wee prayer for you. It can’t do any harm and you never know.
Thank you, bruiseviolet, please do that. As you said, who knows. I think every bit of possible positive energy heading my way is good. I really do not wish to go through with this. The worst part is that my love still loves me so much also.. and none of us did anything really bad to eachother at all… things, conflicts, just got the better of us – and now she is stubborn as a mountain, adamant in her decision. Despite the fact that she has admitted to having strong feelings for me and me being able to touch her heart at will. She started off something new directly afterwards. I think it could best be called a rebound, despite our age (both of us just below 40). I am not insane, nor a stalker, nor delusional (I hope), but the darned thing is that we will both miss eachother for the rest of our lives if we don’t take this opportunity to fix things between us with this increased understanding and wisdom we both gained from the breakup. But she won’t take my hand in this. Pray that she does. For her sake also. Or rather, pray that she follows her heart (if she did for real, it would lead her back to me) and that she becomes happy, regardless of where she lands in life. I wish her the best no matter my pain.
Cool, I added that on to the prayer as the candle is still burning. I hope for the best outcome for you all.
Shards, I think you’ve described the feeling perfectly; I share the same sentiment as you. Clearly this is your crucible, but I think you will be able to overcome it, whatever future that entails. Perhaps I am being hypocritical, but I think if you stay strong and firmly believe in your happy ending, something will come to pass. From experience, I know things don’t end up in the best scenario usually. But perhaps things will grow more bearable. You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need, right?