I’m sitting here in the living room, next to my mom and listening to her struggle to breathe. She has ALS, and for those who do not know, it is always fatal. Always. In the end, people who have it usually have to be on a respirator if they want to live. She won’t do it. So she just sits here and can’t breathe.
I can’t take any fucking more of this. I know damn good and well she will not be here next year at this time. At the rate she is going, she will likely not make it to xmas.
I am broken, aching, exhausted beyond words – beyond what I knew was possible. I want to drink myself into a coma. I want to smoke so much weed I don’t know what planet I’m on. I want to hang myself. I can’t help her. I can’t help me. I can’t do One. Single. Fucking. Thing.
I want to die, because I can’t imagine this world without her in it.
3 comments
My dad slept through 90% of our Xgiving dinner. Yesterday I convinced him it was OK for him to take as many pain pills as he needs to blunt the pain of his rheumatoid arthritis and the panic of his COPD. There’s all sorts of nice things I’m doing for him that he can’t notice. That’s OK. It’s the doing of the act that is important, not the act itself. So when I wash his clothes I am saying, “I live you Dad.” When I organize his medicines I am saying, “Thank you Dad for all the wonderful times we had.” When I empty his bed pans I am saying, “I forgive you for the times things weren’t so great.” When I cook him dinner I am saying, “I know you forgive me for the times I hurt you.” Every day, thought hundreds of different acts, I am telling him how much I love him and I hear him telling me how much he loves me.
And I won’t have him for much longer. I doubt he will make it to Xmas. When he goes I know that he will want more than anything for me to love myself and build a life without him that is filled with joy. I will do my best to honor his request.
I understand the anger you are experiencing. You have to let it go. It justs gets in the way of performing acts with love. The world is not fair and rarely controllable. But how you choose to react to it is.
I hope you find peace and your mother’s passing is with love and tenderness.
I’m so sorry that’s happening to you and your family. How long has your mum been ill?
A couple of years ago my dad had a lung infection and was suddenly close to death. At first I felt like I was finally tipping over the edge. (I was already suicidal.) Partly for my mum’s sake, I tried to accept it and think rationally about it. I had nightmares for months afterwards, mainly because of those days and nights where we didn’t know if the hospital would call. But at the time, even though the pain was unbearable, I could accept that it was happening. I completely understand how you feel about not being able to imagine the world without her in it. I feel the same about my mother, especially because she does so much to help me. It must be so painful to imagine her not being here. It must be incredibly painful to watch her having so much trouble breathing as well. I found that one of the hardest things in the world. The pain can’t and won’t lift any time soon, but I hope you find even a faint feeling of acceptance to keep you holding on. You might feel helpless to help her or help yourself, but you can be there for her so she knows you cares, and you can carry her as part of you.
Did you feel suicidal before things became this bad for her?
I hope you can keep talking about how it’s affecting you, and I hope talking helps. It helps to have people you can rely on to be there to support you through it all.
I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I feel deeply for your situation. I don’t have any easy answers, nor can I imagine the pain you are in.