When I was a little kid I didn’t understand why people would be so sad and depressed, I didn’t understand any of this. I thought they just needed to tough up.
Now I am a 15 year old and all I want to do is disappear. I want to just leave and sethre all the relationships I have. I don’t want to die but I would die to disappear.
Last year when I was 14 I started getting severely depressed, but then I didn’t know what depression was. I just wanted to start running away and never turn back, I wanted to disappear so badly I would die for it. All I really wanted was to be free. After a little while of feeling like this I started to try and ignore it, I thought it was gone but I always felt this way.
Now almost a year later it’s gotten worse. I still want to disappear if it means dying for it, the only reason why I haven’t killed myself yet is because I know if I wait then I will be able to leave the place I am now and adventally disappear from here. I’m going crazy waiting though, I feel so bad that I have done a lot of self harm (As long as it’s hidden from my parents), I guess it does give me some relief.
I get really a really sore back, knees, feet and neck. I also have stuffed up hands that get really sore and I can’t do anything about them. I am very restless and get a lot of violent thoughts or just get lost if my mind which feels so painful and makes my head feel heavy.
I hate myself so much. I just want to leave if it means dying than be it.
All I just want is to disappear.
2 comments
Hi Lawli
Can you tell your parents or someone at school about the depression? It’s a stubborn illness but people can treated for it. Like any other illness, it shouldn’t really be ignored.
Did you hate yourself before you were depressed? That’s another thing that can change. It’ll probably change a lot over time, but there are ways you can start to feel better about yourself more quickly too. In my experience hating yourself can make the depression or helplessness worse. These things and the cutting and violent thoughts are all linked, so treating the depression will help with a lot of the other things too. I can understand just wanting to be set free from it, but death isn’t the only way.
GET HELP HANG IN THERE I FELT LIKE THAT TOO 50 YRS AGO AND I AM GLAD I DID NOT DO IT I DID HAVE A LOT OF GREAT TIMES FOR YEARS BUT NOW I WANT TO GO THATS WHY I AM ON THIS SITE SIGNED>>>FRUSTRATEDWITHEVERYTHING