Near the end

I lived with this disease for many years and have yet to achieve peace. I have been able to hide it from many people by pushing them away when it gets bad. I want to leave so badly to make it all end, but I don’t have it in me (yet) to leave my young son. I know my wife is planning on leaving me and due to my condition, she will get full custody. I am not really sure what to do. Part of me wants to pack a bag & head somewhere to make it all go away and the other part is telling me to stay and  try to make it work. How do I make it work with someone I’ve pushed away for years and is planning on leaving as soon as I am back to a state where she feels I will not take drastic action? I know she is simply playing along right now, which is only giving me false hope. Feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, but it is my own damn fault. I know I deserve to feel this way, but how much can I really take.