I have what seems like a perfect life, but i want out. I have a wonderful caring boyfriend that spoils me with love and affection but it isn’t enough and never will be because i do not love myself. When I look in the mirror all I see is failure. I don’t have a job, can’t keep a job or go back to school.. My social anxiety is a serious problem and the depression isn’t helping either. Living with memories of abuse i suffered as a child really gets to me and my thoughts are uncontrollable, it’s like it just keeps repeating over and over in my mind. I want to run away from everything. But I feel like a selfish person for wanting to leave such a wonderful man behind that has taken care of me for so long. I just want to be left alone and hopefully find out who i was supposed to be. Im an empty shell of a human waiting on life to find me but i can’t, my sadness keeps me locked away in my home.. I want out.
I think it is a good thing though that you recognize the importance of loving yourself.
About that desire to away from everything… That wouldn’t really solve all your problems. Because the thing you really want to run from isn’t the external factors, it’s all the out of whack internal things you’ve been dealing with. And you’d still have to worry about those outside things in a new location.
That being said, it’s ok if you need to take a break from the relationship for a bit to try to figure things out. If he is as wonderful as you say he is, if you explain it to him he will understand and let you have your space.
I don’t think you are a failure because your issues are keeping you from achieving those things, though. You are someone who is struggling with a lot and getting by as best you can.