I cant see myself growing old. Somehow I just know that my death will not be a natural one. Ive spent my entire life on my knees just trying to crawl through this darkness with no end in site and I am so tired. When I ask myself what the best part of living is I immediately think death because it is the only thing that ends this unbearable cycle. I spent the first five years of my life being regularly raped by a family member and watching my mother die from an incurable illness while being beat on by my drug abusing alcoholic father. The three years after that I spent being bounced around foster care being told I was a retard and reminded how unwanted I was. The only time I ever felt like anyone noticed me was when I was being hit or molested by them.
In the end I did find a foster parent that didn’t throw me away and I can honestly say she loves me but a lot of the time she treats me more like a possession than a person. She monitors me with cameras, doesn’t let me stay over at friends houses, wont let me date freely and monitors all of my money. I am 25 and have 18 year old friends who feel sorry for me and in the end I only have myself to blame because i’m such a coward and have never stood up for myself. I feel like I must deserve all that has happened to me because I am more worried about how others feel about me than how I feel about them. Its one of the reasons I use to cut myself. I feel like i need to be punished for being so weak and worthless. I want to be loved and it fills me with so much anxiety and dread to think something I did made someone hate me.
I use to think that maybe I would find someone special to help ease the pain but I have never known what its like to have the love of a man, only used by them lured in by false promises and the excitement that comes with not feeling invisible. At least in that area I finally did something right and gave up on love all together. The truth is I probably don’t deserve it, I mean if my own father abandoned me I cant expect any other guy to stick around. I have tried to improve my situation. I went to school thinking things would be better if I got an education but instead I wasted five years of my life coming out with thousands of dollars worth of dept only to end up at a dead end job that wont offer me full time and over 80 unanswered job applications.
I have worked hard to build a positive image of myself but it is hard to continue it when everything around me is making me feel the opposite. Everyone keeps telling me how beautiful and smart I am but all I feel, all i have felt for the longest time is stupid, weak, ugly, and worthless. I feel like a disgusting loser. At 25 I cant drive, I have no money, no love life, no financially stable job, i’m scared and anxious all the time and I have no freedom as an individual. Every time I reach for the light I feel myself being plunged back down into the darkness. I want this to end and if fate wont do it then I will.