I cant see myself growing old. Somehow I just know that my death will not be a natural one. Ive spent my entire life on my knees just trying to crawl through this darkness with no end in site and I am so tired. When I ask myself what the best part of living is I immediately think death because it is the only thing that ends this unbearable cycle. I spent the first five years of my life being regularly raped by a family member and watching my mother die from an incurable illness while being beat on by my drug abusing alcoholic father. The three years after that I spent being bounced around foster care being told I was a retard and reminded how unwanted I was. The only time I ever felt like anyone noticed me was when I was being hit or molested by them.
In the end I did find a foster parent that didn’t throw me away and I can honestly say she loves me but a lot of the time she treats me more like a possession than a person. She monitors me with cameras, doesn’t let me stay over at friends houses, wont let me date freely and monitors all of my money. I am 25 and have 18 year old friends who feel sorry for me and in the end I only have myself to blame because i’m such a coward and have never stood up for myself. I feel like I must deserve all that has happened to me because I am more worried about how others feel about me than how I feel about them. Its one of the reasons I use to cut myself. I feel like i need to be punished for being so weak and worthless. I want to be loved and it fills me with so much anxiety and dread to think something I did made someone hate me.
I use to think that maybe I would find someone special to help ease the pain but I have never known what its like to have the love of a man, only used by them lured in by false promises and the excitement that comes with not feeling invisible. At least in that area I finally did something right and gave up on love all together. The truth is I probably don’t deserve it, I mean if my own father abandoned me I cant expect any other guy to stick around. I have tried to improve my situation. I went to school thinking things would be better if I got an education but instead I wasted five years of my life coming out with thousands of dollars worth of dept only to end up at a dead end job that wont offer me full time and over 80 unanswered job applications.
I have worked hard to build a positive image of myself but it is hard to continue it when everything around me is making me feel the opposite. Everyone keeps telling me how beautiful and smart I am but all I feel, all i have felt for the longest time is stupid, weak, ugly, and worthless. I feel like a disgusting loser. At 25 I cant drive, I have no money, no love life, no financially stable job, i’m scared and anxious all the time and I have no freedom as an individual. Every time I reach for the light I feel myself being plunged back down into the darkness. I want this to end and if fate wont do it then I will.
2 comments
I’m a bit at a loss of words, but i’ll try commenting on what you wrote. First than all, i’m really sorry about what you had to endure, both in your childhood and while growing up. It must have been really difficult to go through all those foster homes, and being in the situation that you are now must be pretty frustrating as well. But you know… none of those things were your fault. The fact that most of what happened were consequences of your father’s abandonment and your mom’s disease pretty much negate that what you are or how you are have anything to do with what you’re going through now. I know it’s pretty hard not to blame yourself for those things (i’ve been there), but even if a stranger opinion in a suicidal forum is worth nothing, i have to repeat this: it’s not your fault.
I might be wrong here, but it sounds to me like your foster mother is actually limiting your life a lot. Have you considered living on your own, or trying to rent a place with friends or something like that? maybe that would change things a bit, which might help your possibilities a bit. Also, people tell you you’re beautiful and smart all the time for a reason, and even if you negate it, you have to consider that you are indeed being pretty hard on yourself. Your father’s lack of common sense has nothing to do with what you deserve. If it was for that every person that has been left by their parents would have no chance at love or life… and that’s just not true.
I mean, regardless of your circumstances you managed to pull through. You have a job (even if a crappy one, which can always be solved in the future), you have an education, and you’re still pretty young. All the things you listed: money, job, love life, anxiety and lack of freedom, are solvable (and i’m guessing they all correlate, considering what you wrote). Take this from a 33 year old that is just now kinda fixing his life: it’s never too late to fix things. Love yourself, you’re clearly worthy of it. Oh, and sorry for the huge block of text, and if i wrote something that bothered you, i’m sorry as well, and i do hope things improve for you.
I feel like that’s my problem. Everything I have done this far was for the purpose of getting out. I thought that maybe if I had an education someone would hire me and I could use the money to move out. That if I moved out I could have a better chance at meeting new people and maybe find a nice man I connected with. That maybe if I had a place of my own where I could be free to come and go my fear and anxiety would at least lessen but nothing I have done to improve my life has helped. I am in the same exact place as I was before. I feel like maybe its not meant to happen for me. Like I am trying to climb out of a muddy hole but i just keep sliding back down.