20 years old and desperately trying to find a reason to live. Problems in the family have led to me feeling like shit for the last 3 years and I haven’t been able to shake off the feelings of depression and uselessness that I started having when everything started happening. Countless days have been spent putting myself in isolation in order for me not to try affect other people’s lives, and trying to find the energy to sometimes go out and do things is one of the hardest things to try and do. Things started getting even worse about 3 months ago, and I’ve been rapidly declining since. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been able to genuinely smile thanks to one friend who I was able to reconnect with over the summer, but otherwise I’ve constantly been feeling extremely empty and had a constant feeling of having a knot in my stomach. The friend who I’ve reconnected with has been incredible in trying to make sure that I’m okay and he will do his best to keep my spirits up, and one of the reasons nothing has happened to me is because I don’t want to let him down. I’ve never self harmed because I’ve always had the view for myself that if I felt that way I would skip that step completely. Just reached the point in the last week where I really don’t know how much longer I can keep going for. In the last month, I finally had an idea of a career I want to have in the future and I keep trying to focus on that, but sadly my thoughts will wander and my mental state will start to decline. Sometimes I see how other people are happy, whether they are random people, my best friend or my family, and for that moment in time I end up having a genuine feeling of hatred towards them for being happy. I know I shouldn’t feel like that cos I should be happy for the people closest to me if they are happy, but I can’t help it. I then put that hatred back on myself and I spiral even further downwards. Just don’t know what to do anymore.
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I don’t really have anything useful to say. Just want to let you know that I read your post. I get what you’re going through. I’ve been there myself.
My family was turned upside down in the past year. Everything was just ruined and sent me spiralling out of control. I kept things to myself. I can’t really get along with people. I don’t like being around people, so I isolate myself most of the time. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about what I’m going through. No one can ever understand me.
But you have someone. A support structure, and that’s a good thing.
Just, try to think positive. Surround yourself with the people who bring out the best in you. Work on your career. That’s a reason to live for. Geez, working on my career is what’s keeping me sane right now. Otherwise, I would have blown my brains out a long time ago. Career and family. Those are my two main reasons to live. I’m sure you can find yours. You have people who care about you, who would be devastated if you would be gone. Think about them. I’m sure you’ll find more reasons to live, if you look past all the bad things.
Focus on yourself. Forget about other people’s happiness, and focus on making yourself happy.
PS – I’m kinda drawn to you by your username. Just recently started getting my ears used to metal. It’s an acquired taste, I’ve heard people say. I’m definitely acquiring a taste for it. More into Death Metal. I guess I’m getting darker
Thanks for you comments, they meant a lot. I understand what you mean, it’s just sometimes it’s easier to say words and harder to do the actions but I’m desperately trying hard to grasp onto the good things. As for the metal side, I’ve been a fan for years, it is an acquired taste but I’ve always felt a connection with the music and the lyrics, which so many people have been unable to understand. It doesn’t mean you are getting darker, there are so many premonitions about people who listen to metal, I guess a lot of people just don’t understand it. Again, thank you for your comments
I know. I usually tell myself, okay, tomorrow I’m getting out of bed, then tomorrow comes and I just don’t. I pretty much never do anything unless I’m forced to. I drag myself to go to school every day because it gets me away from home and I get to focus on something else other than my miserable life.
I have stopped comparing myself with other people and their perfect lives.
Also, please don’t consider self harm. It’s a bad habit. An addiction. I haven’t made a cut in over 3 weeks (proud of myself). It’s hard to get over it. Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road.
I know what you mean, I need to stop comparing myself with others, just hard when you see people all around who seem to be happy. A part of me inside desperately wants that. I’ve never considered self harm at all. I know someone that has done it and after a conversation with him, it helped me get some perspective. You should be proud of yourself, believe me, I’ve had other coping mechanisms that I’ve had to break out of and it is hard work and temptation has been so high, but when I get in that frame of mind, I make myself believe that I am better than that. Keep it up, the road to the future is a long one, but with the right tools, I’m sure we can both get through the worst of times
Hey \m/ cool user name. Sorry I know theres more to life etc but it caugjt my eye too 🙂
I love the many facets of metal with the power of certain lyrics and the riffs of the music itself.
Good shout on avoiding self harm, and I know its easy for me type wjatever a million miles from your life etc but trust me, goal setting with little steps and a pat on the back for every accomplishment will work wonders in the long run. No worries on details but is it at all straight forward on working towards that career you fancy? If things get difficult, are there small steps you could take that are helpful whilst also distracting in a good way?
And I kniw they can be expensive, but if all else fails, getting to a gig for a decent headliner can make a world of difference. It forced me to leave home when I really cba associating with anyone. Twice in the past 3 months it has helped me avoid my darker me…
Merry Christmas 🙂 \m/
Sadly the career I want isn’t necessarily a small one. Hoping to one day own my own MMA (mixed martial arts) gym. It will cost a lot of money and will be hard to get running, but I’ve never had anything else I want to do with my life so I figured that I may as well try and work towards that in some kind of way. Gigs provide a great temporary release, I can completely agree with you there. Had a gig last month and got another one in February. Words can’t describe being in a crowd and screaming out lyrics that have saved your life and being amongst people who can share the same views as yourself. Thanks for your comment \m/