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Failure

by evildandelions

I failed.

I don’t mean that I’m a failure as a person or that my fiance leaving me means I’m not “good enough,” but that I failed to be the person that she wanted to be with, the person she felt she could be with.  I failed to be the person she thought of as family, as someone permanent.

This is what hurts the most.

 

It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m the one left behind, the one who’ll take longer to recover (if ever?).  She’ll go back to school this semester, taking five classes (although honestly, based on her track record, I suspect she’ll drop at least one of them- she always thinks she can take on that much, but it never worked out that way), and do well not only in her grades but in creating relationships that could give her recommendations.

Compared to her, I’m not a good student.  I’m supposed to graduate in December and I don’t have anyone to give me recommendations. Even when I was with her (and before) it seemed like every semester my depression and/or anxiety fucked something up- last semester I had to drop my math classes which meant extending my graduation.  And now, with her gone, it’s going to be so hard.  I thought that this semester would be different- I’d thought that with my depression finally improving I’d actually do well in classes.  I wouldn’t be paralyzed by anxiety, I’d be able to talk to teachers (and peers) more easily and often, my brain wouldn’t feel so slow, and maybe I’d even do better grade-wise.  But now, even if my depression goes away or improves significantly, I’m still going to be sad.  So incredibly sad.  I feel like I’m right back to where I was four years ago: depressed, lonely, and grieving.

It feels worse this time, even though that sounds awful (I was grieving a death last time).  Maybe because before I didn’t believe I could be happy, that something really good could happen to me- finding the woman I want to spend my life with.  Experiencing it only lose it is so incredibly painful.

After a decade of depression and anxiety and other bullshit, I feel like I deserved this happiness, to experience not being depressed and being with the woman I was going to spend my life with.  I’m tired of my life being just a series of traumatic and sad events that are constantly weighed down by depression and anxiety.

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Mf 12/29/2015 - 3:14 pm

I know it might not sound like it at this point, but in a way it’s better that she left now instead of after being married. Can you imagine the blow if you’re married and suddenly she says “i’m leaving, i’ve been considering this for a long time…” etc?. Sure, that’s not a good consolation or anything but it could have been lots worse.

Even if it’s noticeable you still care about her, maybe she just wasn’t the one for you. I mean, you mention feeling bad about not being what she wanted, not being the person that she thought as of family… well, it takes two to make that work. Your anxiety and other problems are one thing, but her inability to support you through them is another. In that sense, she also failed, at being the person you need. And yeah, it’s easier to put blame entirely in yourself or in others, but it’s usually equal (or similar) levels of fault on both parts.

I do hope you overcome this. Along the way you might or might not meet someone that goes with you along the way, but the important thing is pulling through with your studies. Talking about personal experience here, but i spent a lot of years failing at studies due to heart breaks and… in the long run? not worth it, and it chases you even years later. I do hope you can pull through this (which i think you can).

Hazy Day Sunflower 12/29/2015 - 3:31 pm

Oh yeah Mf is tight. Btdt. It totally sucks to get blindsided.

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