I don’t mean that I’m a failure as a person or that my fiance leaving me means I’m not “good enough,” but that I failed to be the person that she wanted to be with, the person she felt she could be with. I failed to be the person she thought of as family, as someone permanent.
This is what hurts the most.
It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m the one left behind, the one who’ll take longer to recover (if ever?). She’ll go back to school this semester, taking five classes (although honestly, based on her track record, I suspect she’ll drop at least one of them- she always thinks she can take on that much, but it never worked out that way), and do well not only in her grades but in creating relationships that could give her recommendations.
Compared to her, I’m not a good student. I’m supposed to graduate in December and I don’t have anyone to give me recommendations. Even when I was with her (and before) it seemed like every semester my depression and/or anxiety fucked something up- last semester I had to drop my math classes which meant extending my graduation. And now, with her gone, it’s going to be so hard. I thought that this semester would be different- I’d thought that with my depression finally improving I’d actually do well in classes. I wouldn’t be paralyzed by anxiety, I’d be able to talk to teachers (and peers) more easily and often, my brain wouldn’t feel so slow, and maybe I’d even do better grade-wise. But now, even if my depression goes away or improves significantly, I’m still going to be sad. So incredibly sad. I feel like I’m right back to where I was four years ago: depressed, lonely, and grieving.
It feels worse this time, even though that sounds awful (I was grieving a death last time). Maybe because before I didn’t believe I could be happy, that something really good could happen to me- finding the woman I want to spend my life with. Experiencing it only lose it is so incredibly painful.
After a decade of depression and anxiety and other bullshit, I feel like I deserved this happiness, to experience not being depressed and being with the woman I was going to spend my life with. I’m tired of my life being just a series of traumatic and sad events that are constantly weighed down by depression and anxiety.