NO ONE EVER ASKED ME IF I’M OKAY OR HOW AM I DOING. THEY’VE SEEN ME LAUGH, THEY’VE SEEN ME SMILE BUT THEY NEVER SAW HOW AM I WHENEVER I’M ALONE. EVERYBODY THINKS I’M PERFECTLY FINE (MAYBE BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I SHOW THEM). EVERYONE AROUND ME THINKS I’M JOKING WHENEVER I TRY TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS, SO I PRETEND TO BE HAPPY INSTEAD. YOU KNOW WHAT’S MORE SAD? THE PEOPLE YOU THOUGHT WHO ACTUALLY CARED FOR YOU ARE THE ONE’S WHO DIDN’T KNEW YOU AT ALL OR DIDN’T EVEN TOOK A CHANCE TO ASK IF YOU’RE FINE. NOBODY SAW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. NOBODY HEARD ME BETWEEN MY SOBS EVERY 2 AM HOLDING MY THOUGHTS INSIDE MY HEAD THAT WILL BURST ANYTIME THEY WANT. NOBODY SAW HOW MUCH I TRIED MY HARDEST NOT TO CRY BEHIND MY SMILES. OH FUCK, I AM PERFECTLY FINE!! I’M OKAY!! AS OKAY AS DEATH.
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I completely understand how you feel. I’ve been in the same position many times. But here, you can talk to us about how you feel and what’s going on. I send best hopes to you. 🙂
it’s really hard
Hear you loud and clear on that one. Some of the biggest heartbreaks (regarding friends) have been from people that i thought were the ones that actually cared. I do have the theory that it might be sort of my fault too tho… i mean, if they trusted me, they actually trusted my fake smiles and jokes. Sure, they should have known better, but not everyone is a mind reader. Life these days doesn’t help either, everyone is either running or have no time for meaningful talk, just trivial stuff in between their running.
That said…*sigh* it’s kinda true that the ones we love the most can hurts us the most. Maybe it’s the fact that we lower our guard? who knows. All i know is that well… you’re not alone in the “i fake my happiness and no one notices it” camp, whenever i have to go out of my room, i’m there as well.
yes… it hurts so much that i can’t almost put them into words
I no longer want the people around me to see what is boiling inside me. It’s pointless. When I was younger I craved someone, anyone, to see it. The ones that could have healed me were taken away and the ones that didn’t care stayed. So I built a fortress and sat behind the walls with hand grenades and incendiary bombs. I even married not one, but two people who are totally incapable of caring or feeling about me. So I dug my ditch and here I sit enjoying the fruits of my labor.
I understand you. It’s not even limited to friends but also to family. It’s difficult when it’s the people who are closest to you who remain unaware of what you’re going through, and there’s an unimaginable pain that goes through you when it’s your own family who doesn’t see past your smiles. I can’t really tell you how to get through that.
No doubt you already know that pretending the whole day is fucking hard. But I can tell you that crying my heart out at 3am alone in my room while everyone else is asleep is so fucking therapeutic. And I’ve recently found that its plus points if you drink sparkling juice or soda in a champagne glass. You can pretend it’s some extra strength alcohol if you want and it feels nice, pretend you’re in a good place even if you’re rapidly sinking in the quicksand of your problems (I won’t be advocating anyone to become an alcoholic, so just stick to pretending okay?).