I just need to vent.
All of a sudden, I feel this overwhelming sadness. I don’t even know why I feel this way. So, I thought I should try and look back at things I love doing. Trying to be positive. I find that I don’t really have something that I love doing. Except writing, maybe. Not even that is making things easier right now.
I started looking back into my life, trying to find something that gave me some peace. And where do my thoughts take me?
The Dissecting Hall.
This will make me sound so fucking weird. I loved that place. I respected those bodies. They gave me a sense of calm and peace. I enjoyed dissecting human cadavers. I have my dissecting kit by my side right now, letting the memories flow.
This has gotten me thinking. Perhaps I’ll consider doing Forensic Pathology as a specialty. The only downside with that is court. I get anxious just thinking about it. Being on a witness stand, testifying… Fuck!
I wish I could be dissecting right now. The weirdest thought I’ve ever had. But, just thinking about it… The sadness hasn’t completely gone away. But I feel a little better.
Is it weird that I liked being around dead bodies? Cutting them up? I prefer the dead to the living. I prefer being among the dead than the living. I think that’s why I always felt at peace around them. They just gave me a sense of peace. Tranquility. I guess that’s what I’m looking for again right this minute.
This has got to be the most pointless thing I’ve ever written. I don’t even know if it makes sense at all.
6 comments
“When someone dies and no one will miss them, the mourning is assigned to one person. That is why you sometimes randomly feel sad.” -Welcome to Nightvale Podcast
(And yeah, it makes sens.)
Yes it does make sense. There are surgeons who feel focused, peaceful and calm when removing a tumor from someone. So I don’t see why dissecting can not give you a sense of calm peace and tranquility.
I think you are looking in the right direction by asking questions about what you like to do and uncovering those. Writing is another nice one.
Some questions I ask myself when I want to explore good feelings are:
What are activities where I lose the track of time? What when I’m doing allow me to forget myself?
What are some shorter activities that feel good? Like watching the sunset, playing with a small cute baby, enjoying a sip of my favourite drink, or food, etc.
What are the times that I laughed in the last few days?
What are some passive moments that felt good recently? Like looking at a nice view, watching a video of cute babies, seeing a cute bird etc.
These help me dig out some nice times I might not notice otherwise.
I don’t think it’s that weird. I’ve never dissected a human cadaver, or even been around one, but I liked doing the dissections we did in high school. We dissected a crawfish, a (small) shark, and fetal pigs. I wasn’t very good at it- the pigs’ voicebox flew across the table when I was trying to get it out- but it was interesting.
I also think that doing technical things can help with sadness (as a distraction at least) because it focuses on something definite, something procedural, as opposed to just having to feel things or think too much.
That sounds like an awesome career. In an alternate universe I’m dieting corpses the same way I currently diet numbers.
BTW with court they ease you into that. Medical examiners mostly just sign death certificates.
Dissecting. Really auto correct diet? That’s your go to? Fml