I’m 18 years old (19 in less than a month) and I have been depressed since I was 12. I grew up with my Mum and Dad but my Dad passed away in September 2010 when I was 13. I actually saw him disintegrate in the hospital and it’s literally the most traumatizing thing I’ve ever had to see and that image will stay with me for the rest of my life. He had Huntington’s disease and was unable to look after himself as it affects his speech, movement and eating, he also used to jitter constantly. In 2013 I got tested for the disease and I came with a positive result so when I reach 30 my symptoms will start. This terrifies me as I have seen what it did to my Dad, the people staring at him in the streets… also one of my ‘school friends’ was teasing me about how my Dad was disabled because he saw him in one of my assembly at Primary school – that broke my heart but I had to pretend it didn’t affect me. My mum gave up on my Dad she said she didn’t love him anymore purely because he was disabled. She only cried when he died saying ‘she hates seeing me and my sister so upset’ but when her boyfriend broke up with her she was crying constantly. My sister is older than me and got tested before I did but doesn’t have the gene – as I am happy for her I feel really alone as my Dad was an only child so there wasn’t any family with the gene I could talk too and I am now the ‘disabled child’ in my whole family. Everyone doesn’t understand the pain of being told you’re going to be disabled, Whenever I talked to my friends about it they would tell me to stop being so silly I still have until I’m 30 like there’s no reason for me to be upset by it… It really pains me as NO ONE understands.
Above that I am extremely shy, I can’t interact with people the way I wan to, even the people I thought I was close to told me that I’m just awkward to be around. I’m currently unemployed and everyone looks down on me because of it and are always on my back but I can’t keep a stable job, every job I have had has let me go because I was too shy. Everything I want to do in life I can’t do because I’m too shy. I want to move out but I will never a able to afford to live by myself even if I had a job and I’m too shy to live with anyone else.
When my Dad passed my Mums benefits stopped and she had to get a job but ith no qualifications she doesn’t get a satisfactory amount of money. She has told me and my sister that she can’t afford to get us presents for Christmaas or our birthdays. She also couldn’t afford the rent so we had to move out and I was homeless for three months, my Mum stayed with her boyfriend but he wouldn’t let me stay with him so I had to stay with my sister and her boyfriend, they kicked me out after two months for no reason apart from them just wanting their own space so I had to go friend to friend and ask if I could stay with them – also to be told that they couldn’t wait for their own space back -_- I felt so unloved during this period and it really made me see people’s true colours. Now I live in an old embarrassing flat that I can’t even invite anyone in it’s too shameful but also it’s in a completely different area that I grew up in, I grew up in the same area as my schools and friends, Now I’ve been secluded from those friends and they go downtown and do things without inviting me. I haven’t done anything to these people for them to do this bit I think maybe because I’m shy they don’t want to hang around me?
I had that one ‘best friend’ who I grew up with who we had a fallout and now she doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore, I asked her to catch up with me and she just didn’t want to, I also had a boyfriend who I also grew up with he was my first proper boyfriend and we’ve been on and off but I saw him as the one person who would never betray me and always have my back but I was wrong about him and recently I’ve had to remove him from my life, they were the two most important people I had in my life and now they’re gone. I feel so alone and depressed I’ve tried seeking help but there is nothing I can do my life is hopeless.
5 comments
Alot of young people are pretty shitty people merely because they are young and haven’t grown an empathy bone. And your poor mom was so terrified of what your father was going through she had to get as far away from him as she could. You will learn to see beyond the actions of others and understand how fear, greed, anger, love, and hope motivate people to do what they do.
I presume I’m not telling you anything new when I say crappy friends is pretty small potatoes compared to the death sentence you were given. Pretty much everything you do from now on is going to be in preparation of the onset of your disease. If you want to live, that is. I know for sure that there is not one single person on SP that would criticize you for wanting to kill yourself before Huntington’s twists you into a pretzel.
If you decide to live, you will need to… educate yourself about managing your disease, build a support network, get psychological help so you can cope with the pressure, and find hope in a hopeless situation. I sure the hell couldn’t do it, I don’t think! But people do manage to do it.
In the end I don’t think your shyness will last. I think one day you will wake up and realize you don’t have the time to let something like that hold you back. In the long run we all are dead, but for you that run isn’t going to be that long. That is a powerful motivator to change and to stop worrying about how others perceive you!
What else can I say? Whatever you decide to do with your life, I hope you find some peace, some understanding, and lots of support.
I just feel like giving you a big hug after reading this, such a tough life. Why are you shy?
Have you considered joining a support group? If this is what I’m thinking then there are a lot of support groups.
It’s good that u got urself tested! Get urself immersed in yoga not like the one preached in the west. Visit India, the best way is to become yoga teacher, take up any course from the many available options! U want any help on this, I m there ! Who knows, this disease might not even touch you. Give your best shot on this, it has the power of a miracle. Good luck!
Wow. What a situation. It sounds like you’ve had a lifetime’s worth of experiences already. I agree with SeeSmith that as time is becoming ever more precious, I hope it gives you the boost in times of need, to see past other’s opinions and to get some wonderful memories.