There is something liberating about accepting being a nobody.
I have been bullied, belittled, and abused as a child in both my school and in my family. For the longest of times, I have done my best to improve my reputation and status in society in response to these actions. However, I have failed time and time again. After numerous short lived careers, huge heart aches, and personal failures, I have come to the realization that, indeed maybe they were all correct before. Maybe indeed I am a nobody.
If it is truth, then all my past failures, misfortunes, and regrets can be rationally, logically, and justifiably explained by mine being a nobody. For the past 3-5 weeks, I have accepted being a total nobody and I can attest that such belief does not only affect the view of the past, it as well affects the present and the future.
In the present, my acceptance of being a nobody has given me the liberty to speak my mind and act without the impediment of a reputation to protect. For example, a few days ago, my US tourist visa renewal was rejected on the most probable grounds of mine being single and having a low paying job (I guess the consular officer thought I would likely overstay my visa if given a better life in their country). Instead of feeling disappointed, I just thought that it was fine since a nobody doesn’t need a US visa and doesn’t need to travel. Moreover, I posted what happened freely in my Facebook for all to see. Why? Because I didn’t care what other people and FB friends had to say about my failure to renew, my low paying job, and my singleness. I didn’t care because I was a nobody. I had nothing to lose since I have nothing anyway. I have no reputation to protect since I am a nobody. And, I wanted to make it clear to everyone, with the US embassy hopefully reading it, that I love my country. And I will live here and I will die here. Surprisingly, that post has garnered the most FB likes ever that I’ve had since my profile picture change. Hehe.
In the future, my acceptance of being a nobody has tempered all of my personal expectations. It has opened my eyes to what hope for the future really is. Hope is absolutely undependable. It can mislead expectations and gain you a lot of disappointments. Hope is the least concrete value in life and I don’t know even why people still use it to prop us up. Hope aside, a nobody no longer expects normal goals of people. A nobody no longer dreams of normal things like happiness, children, and success. Why? Because a nobody is not entitled to any of those things. When I accepted being a nobody, I lost the necessity for normal goals and aspirations. Instead, all the goals and aspirations have been replaced with peace of mind. I am now at peace knowing that I need not exert effort to achieve anything since I am a nobody. I am at peace knowing that as a nobody, my only shared destiny with everyone is just death. And that is all now that I expect and peacefully await.
It is important though to point out that this peace comes with a price. It is rooted in a depressed ideology. And so, every-time it pops up, you must be able to focus more on the effects of being a nobody than just being a nobody yourself.
7 comments
I’m sorry that you’ve had to endure all of this. I’ve failed over and over again as well, and i’m now studying another career which honestly… i sort of feel is just going to go into my pile of “done that, failed” list. Same with relationships and… well, everything else. The part on being a nobody tho, is something that i can’t actually agree with, because the fact that you’ve kept trying means a lot, or at least should at least mean a lot to the person that matters the most in your life: you.
I know it’s not what everyone tends to think, but trying over and over again is pretty hard, and many people give up at some point or another, so that alone proves that you’re not a nobody. Sure, the expectations that society puts in us makes us get that label if we don’t achieve some quota of success, but i guess that depends if you care what others think or not. Sorry if this doesn’t help much, but i’m struggling with coming to terms with it myself. I guess that the best i can say is that i do know how that feels, and that i really hope you find something that makes you realize that you are indeed, someone.
@Mf, thanks for empathizing with me. I feel like I have no more control of what I’m going through. It feels as though I’m now just an invisible witness to my life and to the world. I honestly think, that I am taking the depressed route to Buddhist enlightenment. I’m not consciously pursuing it but little by little, I am beginning to believe in some Buddhist teachings. I think mine being a nobody is a step towards enlightenment. I think losing all sense of self is what is causing this liberation. However, my means of losing my-self is utterly depressing…
“I think losing all sense of self is what is causing this liberation. However, my means of losing my-self is utterly depressing…”
Wow, I was just thinking the same thing about your post, except I was equating it more to philosophical Taoism than Buddhism.
Oh, just wanted to say I liked the picture of Spock on your last post.
@Mf, a merry Christmas to you and your loved ones :). Sorry for the late reply. My activity in this site varies from very active to stagnant randomly. Hehe. I guess it comes with my supposed personality disorder or I’m just really unpredictable. Thanks for reading my last post with the Spock pic. It pic was meant to cheer up the post a bit since it was pretty pessimistic.
Such is the character of religions. They differ as much as they are actually similar. This makes the truth even harder to find. Slowly though, I have come up with two spiritual personal epiphanies. One, the body is limiting. Two, the self distorts reality.
Believe me or not, I like nobody people and I like reading about their lives. What do you think about suicide? Does the thought of commiting suicide give you peace?
@hope432, Hi! A merry Christmas to you and your loved ones :). I’m surprised to know of a person like you that likes nobody people. Why do you like people like us? Are you one of us? Hehe
Suicide for me is a sword with a dagger for its handle. Killing myself will liberate me and give me peace. But the process itself is painful. I’ve attempted 4 times in my life and I’ve completed twice. I failed because the poisons I ingested weren’t enough and weren’t right. Everytime I was at the point of committing the act, I was always in so much pain. I was crying, fearful, and overwhelmed with pain due to my circumstances and actions secs before deciding whether to ingest, jump, or pull the trigger. Death was just a step a way but that step was not peaceful at all. It was very painful.