survive my suicide attempt. Only one. Straight forward attempt. I worry if I try again I won’t be successful and I’ll have created even more problems for myself. But I really wish it would have worked back then so that I didn’t still have to struggle. Cause pain. Live a meaningless life filled with unfinished projects, poverty, sadness, shame, isolation, regret. I just wonder what’s the fucking point to any of it. Why did I survive. My life has no grand purpose. I’m just another shmuck trying to get by, trying to stay sane, powerless, defeated and over it. I want to try again but am afraid.
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I don’t think there needs to be a grand purpose in life. The daily grind gets us all down but I try to remember that my daily grind is heaven compared to other peoples and you know there is always someone worse off and all that. I had a few failed attempts and sometimes I wish they had worked but then again I can find some simple pleasures in life so I suppose it was alright and better than I had thought it would be in the suicidal times. The suicidal times will no doubt come back, but I will either get through them or not. I hope you feel better soon, don’t rule out the possibility.
Hello there,
I had same question for me, why I am still here? all/who was dear to me died, literally… I push myself to live for them, to keep them alive trough my own living…but it gets hard and senselees.
Bruiseviolet The problem isn’t that I can’t feel joy, it’s that I feel the joy is a reminder of how I’ve failed. How I’m never good enough, how I need to try harder but no matter what I do I can’t escape this hell. And so I feel like everyone will be better off without me. I know it sounds selfish but I can’t face my mistakes, my failures, what feels like a wasted life.
Ivyivy yes that hopelessness and loneliness gets to be too much some days
Sorry to pry but are you a young person? People who are inclined to depression surely do recognise it harder than the usual bunch at their teenage years… I had this, for example. When I was 16, I tried to hang myself in a school toilet… I got -saved- by my teacher and school mates. My teacher and class-master at the time told me then: Remember, nothing what you decide now, the sorrow, the anger, weakness, powerlessness, NOTHING is worth to miss your possible future children. When someone tells you that at your 16, you think “go to hell, old geek, whacha know how I feel”, but yeah… I lived trough that, had some sort of a life and became a parent at some point…gosh, they were so right. Having a child changes everything, the bond you suddenly GET is different than anything else you could ever think of… so, if you are very young, you might spare yourself until that point and then reconsider what is actually worth to live or die for. Good luck there, and much love ^^
I am old. That’s part of the reason my intense depression from my younger years is returning. I feel trapped at 37 not much better off than I was as a teen tbh. Sure I’ve accomplished things, I’ve tried to make a difference in the lives of others, to give my life meaning and purpose. But I always return to this guilt, shame, fear of being a loser. I never had kids, but I agree with your sentiments because I’m an aunt. But if I can barely take care of myself what kind of an example am I setting for them? I battled and overcame cancer last year so I should feel inspired to live my life fully, but it’s only contributed to feelings of being broken and unwanted. Logically I know better.. But reflecting on my life as a whole: lots of debt, no husband, no kids, no sustainable career, no home, no real recognizable contributions to society. I just don’t know what more I can do or how much more I can take.
Oh dearie… I am a 48, looking like 28, prolly due to fact I am a fitness instructor but nm that, yet… lookie, I met you here… and if you go see my initial post – yayyy = seems like we are tween sisters. Have nothing there? come here and we will have -nothing- together, yet you would have new life, new yourself… new beggining, new personality, new YOU altogether. I did that, I moved from very differnt place to here..so hell yeah, you could do that to, eventually…
I really appreciate your perspective IvyIvy. It’s true. We can start from nothing and begin again. Stronger. More self aware. More determined to start fresh. And do it right this time. But how do we get rid of all the old habits and thought patterns that made us low in the first place? I feel trapped