I am fairly certain about my misery and my mental illness. I know I can’t be cured. Well most of the mental diseases can’t be cured. Even doctor said that it can be manageable. Manageable not cured. Fuck manageable. I am tired of this shit. All the time living in fear that I am gonna collapse now. I am gonna freak out now in public and What to say about the demons. Thankfully they are at rest now. Even without them life is so miserable. I wish them to wake up now. So I can end this pathetic miserable life.
Every fucking day/ at some point/after a miserable event I think, that’s it. Finally this is it. I can’t be hurt anymore. But I got hurt again and again. Fuck bi-polarity. Fuck all the mental and physical diseases. Fuck me for using this fucking word so many times. I’m so much tired. I wish I had the guts to kill myself.
Fucking coward me. Why I stoped thousand of times when I was on the brink of killing myself. It’s been more than 8 years of this continues torture.
Still living in misery so that my family members just don’t feel bad after my death. Family members, who don’t even give a crap about me.
This rant is pointless. Life is pointless. It is just a endless misery. If there is a god he is fucking enjoying watching me like this. If there is a god, He is fucking responsible for all the bad things which is happening around whole world. Innocents are suffering in thousand different ways. So simple explain- either he himself is a heartless monster or he is dead and possibly he never existed.
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Here’s what I know:
I had some mental problems. Then I attempted suicide. Then I got diagnosed and put on psychiatric medication. It sort of helped with my symptoms. I was on it for almost a decade. Something about it didn’t feel right.
I read “Anatomy of an Epidemic” and I slowly weaned myself off the medication.
Now the symptoms are back, but I’m trying to deal with them by educating myself, theoretically and practically.
And instead of some doctor basically telling me I’m handicapped and unlikely to change, at least I get to be in charge of my own life, take the punches myself and have something I didn’t really have for all those years on medication: a glimmer of hope.