I get this strong sensation quite often. An emptiness of positivism, a desperation, and a need to hide and stop thinking and feeling. Several things trigger it. But very few can make it disappear, and those are never the same. Like if the damaged part of me is always defeating the one that is trying to feel better. Little victories that wont sum up. You see, it’s as if I wanted the damaged part to win, but then I don’t know where the other one comes from. So the reality is the fighting one is stronger than I thought. But this battle is taking away my calm. I am moody all the time, so I want to be alone, but then again I am needy and hopping to be with someone so much, that I end up scarying friends and boys and family. So I got to be alone, and I feel some relief, at the same time that I feel bad and sad and useless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I am my worst enemy, and I need to find an end to this… and then again there is that fighting little despicable part of me that won’t heal me but that won’t let me find any peace. I feel hopeless, and angry and sad.
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2 comments
Tengo miedo de salvarme si lo intento hoy. No quiero salvarme. De verdad que no quiero
reading this reminded me of Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus which is a pretty nasty bug that is resistant to most antibiotics. so your mood disorder (I hesitate to use depression) is resistant to your own interventions and in some ways learns ways to circumvent it. Very interesting. I’d say wow. Thank you for posting this. It never occurred to me that my own mood disorder could be circumventing my own interventions.