This is my first post and I am in a horrible place. I tapered off all of my psych medications in 2014-2015 and am still in Post Acute Withdrawal. On top of that, I’m just a messed up person and I have been all of my life. I just need to vent, if that’s okay.
I am clueless at how to function in any aspect of life. My taxes are messed up, which is a huge trigger for me right now. I inadvertently have messed up my taxes in different ways for years now. One year I forgot income because my financial advisor switched companies and I got a bill for $87,000 from the IRS. It was dropped down a ton, but that led me to realize I’ve messed up so much more. Years where education credits/deductions were taken wrong, income… I think it’s unrealistic to amend tax returns so long ago and my CPA didn’t say I should, but the paranoia is so bad and I’ve been awake since 1:15 this morning with panic. He also amended some returns and because of whatever reason, I still messed them up.
I’ve messed up in every aspect of my life. Failed/dropped out of a master’s degree program. I’m a manipulative liar who is trying to change their ways, but it’s a slow process. I’ve faked so much in my life.
I can’t even try to kill myself (would I actually either way..???) because if I fail I’m screwed, as I don’t even have health insurance if I ended up in the hospital. I’m planning on getting catastrophic health insurance coverage before the deadline, but that doesn’t help me now. I just want out. I’m 29 and life has only gotten worse the more I’ve tried. I’m not convinced there’s hope. There are so many things capable about me, yet I cannot seem to do anything right. I’ve tried changing my mindset, lying to myself that I’m happy and capable, but it doesn’t change anything..
Thanks for letting me vent.
9 comments
So many people posting things I can relate to. Money is evil. Don’t stress about it, it’s not worth the paper it’s written on these days, you will get looked after and then it’s your choice to pay it off or not. I’m lucky to live in a country with free medical access, however if I was in the states I’d just live a life full of debt, after all when you’re dead they can’t do anything about it.
Money is evil. I feel it’s what is ruining the planet. I read recently that even if an American lives in another country they still have to pay taxes to the US, so can’t even move to a tax-free country to escape that stress! America’s economy and politics are messed up. It sounds like you’re a little happier with how your country is run..?
Life insurance covers those where debt can be passed on. There’s a waiting period for suicide but if like me you’ve gone through years of torment you can safely say your thought pattern won’t change in that time, if it does that’s a bonus.
Yeah, I’ve considered getting life insurance, but for now I still have a little bit of an inheritance left, which has been both a curse and a blessing. It sucks that so many of us go through years and year like this. I’m 29, first time I felt suicidal I was 12. I was an emotional mess long before that.. Try to hold onto hope that there are better days, but it’s way easier said than done.
Tax season makes me suicidal as well.
It’s so stressful. How are you doing with it coming up this year? Have you ever had to do amendments for any years? The amount I’ve messed up, big and small, is anxiety-provoking and embarrassing as hell.
I was a real opinionated uncaring douchebag when I was younger. I burned a hell of a lot of bridges and flunked and dropped out of college three separate times. 2002 I ate a LOT of humble pie when I found myself alone and a single parent living in a home I couldn’t possibly afford by myself. I apologized to just about everyone of planet earth including and up to the garbage man, who I met but once. I had become this one dimensional creature I had vowed never to be when I was younger, living beyond my means and judging everyone around me with hopeless standards I could barely live up to.
I made amends to everyone I was awful to. Some accepted it, some didn’t. The ones that didn’t I just kept proving to them that I had actually changed, that I was a different person. It isn’t a fast process and it is a painful process but I can say it was worth it in my life.
Hazy Day Sunflower.. I can relate to that so much. It’s good to hear that you’ve been able to change yourself and your ways of living. And thank you for sharing.. Were you ever able to figure out why you had become that person or did it not matter to you?
I have already changed a fair amount and continue working through the rest. There are new realizations I have often, so it’s definitely a long and very, very painful process. I do plan on making amends one day, when I’m in the place to make them properly and to be able to emotionally handle any reaction from people. I also struggle with not remembering much. I don’t have a vivid memory of my life at this point. Psych meds possibly? Who knows.. And I’m so obsessed with all the wrong that I’ve done, that I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong or not in life because I seem to fill in vague memories with a wrong action. If that makes sense..?
I also plan on making living amends. I struggle, too, with knowing what to make amends about and what not to. There are some things I did, lied about, etc. that other people don’t know I did and I feel it would do more damage to everybody involved if I made amends over it. In those places I plan on doing living amends. My dad is big into AA and he said that you make amends, but at some point you’ve made enough and you need to move on. You can’t literally apologize to everybody for everything you’ve ever done wrong.
Such a painful process, but it’s good to know that there are people who have made it through to the other side. Man..I’ve done some messed up stuff.
@lost1111: It doesn’t matter why I was that way or how I got that way as long as I am no longer that way. That may sound glib and easy but for my, over analyzing why I was a certain way is utterly exhausting. I leave that to my crappy social worker friend. He would say “you are bound to repeat your mistakes azzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I fall asleep right around the 7th word when it comes to this kind of thing. I’m a gal of action, if I’m not acting or the conversation isn’t headed toward action I just won’t buy in. I frustrate mental health professionals with this mentality, which is most likely why I fired the lot of them some years ago. BTW I do not recommend it in any way. Don’t fire your mental health care professional. It tends to make one unstable.
Anyway, to address the amends part. Making amends should only be done if it isn’t going to harm the person you are making amends to. I was very careful not to make things worse or hurt people in my pursuit of cleaning my slate and coming to peace with my past. I recommend writing your amends on paper that you can’t personally deliver, either because the person is dead, you can’t find them, or it will do more harm than good. Then take that paper and make a little boat out of it and float it down a river. Let nature take it and deliver it spiritually.