i’m a sick and fucked up person, i’m the kind of person i hate. i have spent years of my life doing disgusting and creepy things, and it’s messed with my brain. and i have deeply hurt my girlfriend, despite how much i love her.
i have had a lot of suicidal thoughts recently, but this is different. this is logical, not emotional. i have always believed that creeps like me are scum who deserve to die. so why should i let myself live? i am putting everything into changing and becoming a better person, but what if i can’t change? if this sick and disgusting perversion is so deeply ingrained in me, isn’t killing myself the right thing to do? wouldn’t that be the unselfish choice? i have always been afraid of letting my selfishness win out by killing myself. but maybe sometimes ridding the world of your influence is the right thing to do?
all of this is confusing, but i know i’m not willing to keep living if i’m going to be this evil person. and if i can’t change, i need to know that killing myself is the right choice, because i don’t see any other alternatives.
7 comments
My honest opinion is yes. I’m not talking about you, but throughout history there have been people who should’ve killed themselves before causing so much damage. Every time I hear about another mass shooting that ends with the gunman killing himself, my first thought is “Why not START with yourself?”
The thing is, just by asking these questions, you’re proving that you’re not a Hitler or a Columbine shooter or a Charlie Manson. What made these people “evil” is that they had no conscience. I bet they never considered the things you’re asking yourself. You may have hurt people and done cruel things. Everyone does. But the good ones realize what they’ve done. There is hope for them.
I don’t think you’re evil. You’re human. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others. You’ve realized your mistakes and you can try to make things better. I understand your feelings and there’s probably not much I can say to change your mind, but you have someone you love. You made a mistake, give yourself a little time to figure things out.
You know, It is very interesting to hear someone ask this question. Its kind of like the people who should not have children or keep having them. Just an example. It depends on how you see your future and his much more you can hurt others and yourself. I’ve thought that if I did off myself, at least it would be the last time I cause hurt. But maybe I’m wrong, fuck if I know.
I fully know where your coming from, I too have felt things inside me that are indications of me being a horrible person. It makes sense from a utilitarian view to do that but not all people might agree with this type of thinking.
I was just talking to my girlfriend about this last night. I’d like to hope that the people who have the desire to change deserve to live for the sole reason that they want to change. I feel evil, too..very messed up. I hope you can find the ways to change in which you need, but I understand the feelings and the fears of not being able to. I’ve been trying so hard to change, but it doesn’t happen overnight and I struggle with knowing that the past will never go away. I do wonder, if I often hurt people and I’m miserable myself and can’t change enough..what’s the point? But what if you can change? The fact that you want to be a different person probably means you’re not as evil as you feel.
I totally get where you’re coming from. By ending you’re life, you’d end the chance of you hurting others (beyond those traumatised from losing you.) But you also remove any chance of you doing anything to make the world better, however small.
For me at this point, I think the harm caused by my death, along with the loss of the potential to do good, probably outweighs the possibility of the suffering that I might inflict on others.
But even if it doesn’t, and it’s really my moral duty to end my life – well, conforming to morality is a choice. If you’re inclined to do that, then you’re probably not inclined to hurt others in future. So unless you’re sure that you won’t be able to stop yourself doing something awful, you don’t need to end yourself.
thank you for all of your answers. i guess the thing that scares me is choice. i didn’t choose to become this sick person, it’s never been what i wanted.
i still need to take responsibility for it and try to change. but i don’t think the fact that i want to do good means that i will. no matter how hard i try, this sick selfishness might always be ingrained in me, and i can’t live with that. there is so much hurt that i probably don’t even know i’ve caused.