my Crazy

I don’t even know how to describe this past weekend.  I was sorta suicidal, but more really I just wanted to hurt myself.  I took a lot of klonopin, which I think might’ve made me psychotic.

My ex called the cops on me, afraid that I’d kill myself. I had been hiding in our old apartment when the cops showed up at the door.  I was scared – and this is the main reason I think I might’ve been psychotic- so I jumped from our 7th floor balcony onto the 6th floor balcony.  Thinking about it now makes me cringe.  I have a slight fear of heights- the thought of doing that now sounds terrifying.

I fled after that to a parking lot.  My ex begged me to tell her where I was.  I told her I’d only tell her if she came alone.  But she didn’t and cops showed up again.

It probably wouldn’t have gone so bad, but again I don’t think I was thinking rationally at all, but I wanted to move my car so I could see all the cops (there was no way I could leave, I was blocked in) since I felt nervous to have my back to them. But then two cops pulled me out of the car, pushed me to the ground- I was struggling against them, not because I wanted to escape but out of instinct; it was scary to be manhandled and restrained.  I was screaming for help- and I don’t scream (I hate loud noises), but I guess I must’ve been that scared.  They cuffed me on the ground and someone was sitting on me.  They put me on the stretcher finally and put restraints on me.

They took me to the hospital.  A cop said I was being charged with resisting arrest and maybe something else, I really don’t remember (klonopin can cause memory loss).  This wasn’t true though- when my parents came, my dad said that they weren’t pressing any charges.  After speaking to a psych doctor they released me.

I have scratches on my face now, bruising on my knees and hands, and scrape marks on my back which I don’t understand how I got (since I was on my stomach).

Even worse though, is my ex took my/our dog.  I might get her back, I think it’s likely since she knows how important that dog is to me and she’s always said a dog is a good pet for a depressed (and single) person.  But right now I’m so scared playing this waiting game.  I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get her back.  I’d start grieving all over again.

In a fucked up way this helped, this traumatic experience.  I no longer want a romantic relationship with my ex. She knows that being forced into a hospital is one of my worst fears.  I don’t want a partner who could do that to me.  I feel like there were other ways she could’ve asked or convinced me to admit myself into the hospital.  She caused two of my worse fears to happen in a span of a month.  Her breaking up with me (not that she should’ve stayed just because of my fear) and with horrible timing too- the day before the anniversary of my best friend’s death- and then calling the cops on me.

But I am really sad that she’s probably leaving the state.  I still had a sliver of hope that months from now maybe she’d be willing to talk to me again.  Plus, I think it’s in her best interest to stay.  She really likes this city, she has friends here, moving could mean extending her graduation again (and missing out on a trip she was really looking forward to with people from her spanish class. And it would’ve give her 6 credits in only 4 weeks), and she has a really good therapist here that she’s been seeing for years.  There’s still a chance she’ll stay though.  Her plans for moving change on practically a daily basis.

Before this weekend, she had said she was going to contact me in 8 weeks, that she missed me a lot and wanted me in her life, but I fucked all that up.  She no longer wants any contact with me and it’s even worse knowing that I only have myself to blame.  She doesn’t have any anger towards me (she told this to my parents) but the fact she doesn’t want any contact still hurts. If she doesn’t leave the state there’s still a chance she might talk to me again, months or many a year from now, but if she leaves- basically I’ll never see her again.  This is so hard to deal with. I would still like her to be my friend. But my crazy ruined all that.

My crazy has fucked up my life in so many ways.