My entire life is a nightmare. I didn’t think things could get any worse but they did, they can always get worse. I have no hope for a future. It would only consist of anxiety and loneliness, of being haunted by what my has been so far. I can’t do that, I just can’t. I’m 29 years old and I have given up. I feel too old to start over, too old to have the life I’ve always wanted. Because it’s too late now. I’m too young to be close to death, too young to have the health problems take over and kill me.
I’ve thought about suicide for years. I’ve had plans and letters written and came so close to just ending things a few times, but I could never do it. And I still don’t know if I would be brave enough to take the final step but the reason I could never do it was because I was scared of death and dying. After tons of soul searching and questioning I’m not afraid of dying anymore. Either I go to a better place, or there is nothing. If there is nothing, if we just die and our souls and consciousness and memories die with us and we have no awareness of it, then it doesn’t matter anyway. We’re gone and we’re done. There’s no reason to fear that, it would be preferable to the pain and torture I go through everyday in life.
I don’t want to make it to the end of this year. I want something to happen to me, I get sick or killed somehow. I don’t want to be the one to cause my own death, because of my family. I’d rather some freak accident happen or something. But I have a plan in place for if I can’t bear another day, I will do it myself if need be.
I’m just glad I’m not scared anymore. Whatever is on the other side of this world is peace, in some kind of form. That’s all I want, is peace.
6 comments
Why do you think you are too old to start over?
I know how he feels I think. Your mind is pretty much structured in your 20s. You might be able to change a few things but an overhaul change might be a few steps away from impossible
Excuse my french….I cry bullshit.
Because society tells me I have to be employed and married by now, and if I’m not then I am a loser and no man will want me after age 30. I’m supposed to have my life together but I don’t have a single piece of it together at all. I have no money to travel or go back to school, so not a lot of ways to meet friends (I am friendless now and have no support system which I desperately need). My biggest dream of my whole life was to fall in love and have a family of my own someday. I was so extremely close to that and it was taken away, I was left after already having abandonment issues, adding to all my trauma. There’s only so long I can have children, and even if I did find someone to marry I know I would never love them like the one before him and I will be settling. Which makes me sick to think about. And no one will ever love me anyway because of my mental illness-the constant anxiety, depression, and ADD. I’m not good enough. Broken people aren’t the most sought after, or the easiest to be with. I would repel everyone once that got to know me at all.
Part of me thinks, ok then settle, it may not be your dream marriage but you’ll at least have children and can focus your life on them. At least you can have a companion in life even if you don’t truly love him. But that saddens me unbearably, because I will know of what I had and what could have been, that I once had it all perfectly.
Starting over is hard and scary. It also makes me angry and sad because I shouldn’t have to be doing this. Just not too long ago everything was falling into place and I finally had the life I had worked for and waited so long for. The fact that this is happening shows me how much of a joke my life is. It’s seriously a cruel joke and I truly believe I am cursed.
I can’t keep going through life hurting like this, when I’m in such extreme emotional and heartbreaking pain I feel like I’m dying. No amount of therapy is going to help the trauma I’ve been through or make the triggers disappear. I am just going to keep growing older and lonelier. Haunted and having panic attacks.
I want to die. I wish I could take the place of someone who doesn’t want to die. Like a mom with cancer who has children, or an adventurer in love with life who gets hurt, or the people who go out for a normal day and end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wish I could take their place so much. They have a reason. They have a purpose to live. I have no reason or purpose. I just want something to happen to me so I don’t have to be here anymore. So I don’t have to go through hell another minute. I want to disappear. If I can’t get myself killed then I will do it myself. I feel more comfortable about dying so I will be more brave. It doesn’t have to be scary, I know I’m ready now.
I’m so sorry for this long comment novel, I guess since today has been just terrible and I have no friends to talk to I just kinda needed to blurt everything out somehow.
I know this is a late response but I only joined just now.
It felt surreal reading your comments, hollylion. We appear to have an almost identical mindset. As with brokenandbent30, your post had me in tears because i associate so
strongly with what you’re going through. I simply cannot shake the mistakes of the past, i know i’ve snookered myself so spectalulary that the only real option left open is an earlier than expected exit from this simply awful existence. Like you, I keep searching so hard for crumbs of comfort…which ironically only show themselves through thoughts of not being here any longer.
I saw this quote last week- “Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won’t last forever. And if things are going bad, don’t worry. It can’t last forever either ” …that cheered me up for a bit, as did this- “Life is short and life is $hit and soon it will be over” …It helps me put it all into focus, to not worry so intensely about the position i now find myself in. In the long term i can see how insignificant my life is regardless of how well or badly it’s going because life is pretty short in reality for us all anyhow. Just seems like for us it’s dragging somewhat compared to those who are content with life.
Hope you’re in a better place in your life since you made this thread.
Peace and very best wishes sent your way. *Cyber Hugz You*
Your post made me cry because I get it. I don’t think it’s too late for you, but I’m in my early 30s and I feel like it’s too late for me. I think something in us dies too many times and then we come to the harsh realization that this is it… It’s not fair at all. Once upon a time, I had all these hope and dreams, everything died. As I grew older, depression and anxiety got worst. I’m watching others around me progress and I’m still stuck. It’s a sick and twisted joke.
Maybe I give myself just a little false hope to keep going because I am actually afraid to die in a way. I envy you for not being scared anymore. I still have hope for you though, that it doesn’t have to be over. Anything can happen. We fall in love all over again and completely change our mind and decide life is worth living. Just try to hold on a little longer.