I’ve decided that with the two outcomes of this year I have given myself, depending on how the year goes, I need to move out of state at least halfway through the year. I need to get away from my life here and make a new one if I can. If I can’t, I want to put space between myself and the people in my life. I need to create a barrier to where they will blame themselves less. I will put myself in an area where I only have to occasionally check in with them. I will make a new life. I will try to change myself. I am going to either move to Washington or Oregon I think. Or somewhere on the northeastern coast. So at the very least I will be multiple states away from where I am now.
But for now. For now I don’t know. My parents are pushing me to apply to college for this semester this week. Which I don’t want to do. I don’t want to go to college. I never have. I’m okay with the idea of being a waitress for the rest of my life. I’m okay with it. And at least for this year, I don’t need them to waste their money on me. If I do end up killing myself at the end of the year, I don’t want to go leaving my parents in debt with trying to pay for my college. I’ll be leaving them with a car payment anyways. But that’s only because I need a new car. My car keeps breaking. And I can’t deal with it being like that. I need something that works. They can always resell the car I get anyways. Do dealerships take returns on cars?
Anyways, I’ve been having anger issues. I just keep getting really angry over small things. The Internet was out today, so I decided to make a cake because I was bored. And I was going to attempt to semi decorate it with sprinkles. So after I pull it out of the oven I tell my mom not to eat it because I need to frost it when it cools. I come downstairs 20minutes later to frost it and she tells me “oh I’m sorry but it smelt really good so I had to eat some” you couldn’t wait a half hour? You couldn’t wait that long? It just really pissed me off and I had to restrain myself from cussing her out. Why the fuck am I getting extremely angry over a fucking cake? It was a cake from a $1 box of cake mix. And just everytime I get angry, I want to break things. I want to break everything in sight and I just get really violent in my head. I think of doing a lot worse things than breaking objects. I restrain myself, but one day I’m not going to. One day I’ll break and it won’t be good. I know it.
I also haven’t talked to the person I need to. He’s the one person that maybe can help me figure out this year. Of course I’ll tell him that I just need to change my life, not that this year determines if I live or die. But I need to see him. And I still don’t know if he’ll take me seriously for some reason. I have a strong urge to cut a lot on my arms before I see him so he can see what I am capable of doing to myself. So that he’ll believe that I really am depressed. That I really do hate myself. But I feel like he would try to get others involved if he saw me hurting myself that badly. So I don’t know about that. But I think I’ll text him and see if I can spend the day with him and just casually talk. Not about anything serious. Just small things.
Sorry if I post a lot in spurts. Sometimes I need to vent what’s on my mind and other times I can ignore myself for a while. But right now I just need to believe at least one person read about what’s going on in my head. Because I’m not sure how sane I am.
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2 comments
Hey outinthedark. I don’t think you should cut your arms before you talk to him, who knows how he’ll react to that?
Instead, try to do something positive. Trust me, it’ll make a big diffrence. Just stay calm and be orderly, don’t let your thoughts get the best of you. I hope that you won’t end your life this year, but i also can’t stop you..
It’s your choice.
-Monster
Venting at this forum is what this place is about. Its a good place to vent and be heard by people who understand. You seem like a smart individual. Please don’t cut. That does not accomplish anything > it only brings another issue into your life that you don’t want to have to deal with. Try not to bust up the place or turn your anger out on other people. Try to find a positive way to vent your anger where nobody gets the blunt of it. Try journaling or walking out into the park and scream at a tree for a minute or something like that. Or try running really fast or even maybe buy a punching bag and just punch the daylights out of that. not a person.
I think your decision to move to another state is a Good Choice. You will get a fresh start and that might bring a whole new level of peace and opportunity to you. I have done that a number of times… moved to a new place and it always worked out well for me. I also lived out in the Washington Oregon area and it is nice and peaceful out there. But it rains a lot. I hope you like the rain. If there is anybody in your life that is causing you grief… then it would be a *** idea to stop having contact with them. Good luck with your move. You can use the internet to find a nice place for you to move too. I wish you luck with everything.