It’s all my fault. My horrible relatioship with my dad, the reason my mom cries, the reason our house hold is so fucked up. It’s just all fucked up and I can’t fucking fix it because it’s all my goddamn fucking fault. You know what hurts the most? Is knowing that this is so fucking true. All I can do is sit here like a dumb fuck and listen to Nickleback blaring in my ears trying to drown every shitty bit of my self in the angry rythum og the music and a sea of self hatred. I want to drown in my own hatred- I wish I could just kill myself through hating myself. But you know what? I don’t feel anything. Not one god dammed thing. Why? I feel like I sound angry right now- but I’m not. I’m just confused, sad, alone. I feel like Burning my soul to the ground. Why can’t I just live in a Nickleback song haha/ Maybe I’m finally losing my mind. I just want to throw myself down the drain. Haha maybe itd be fun? Who fucking knows. All I know is I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. Not like this. Not like what I’ve been doing. Cause this shit aint working anymore. Exercise more, drink more water, do this, do that, BE ME. OK DAD, LET ME JUST BE YOU REAL QUICK. BECASUE WHO THE FUCK NEEDS TO BE THEIR ACTUAL SELF, RIGHT? WE ALL JUST NEED TO BE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKED UP FUCKING SELF. And I know he just wants to help, and I get that, but one person can only deal with so much shit for so long, and I’ve reached my limit. YOU HEAR THAT, DAD? I’M DONE. I’m done trying to be your son, trying to be perfect, trying to be who you want me to be. I want to go bat shit crazy. I want to leave it all behind in a fucking haze. Who knows? Maybe I’ll just let loose………………………………………I dont even know anymore. I don’t even know what I’m writing in this post. I know that it doesnt make sense, I know I want to die, I know that I dont feel anything right now, and I know that I might sleep with yet another random guy to try and find who I used to be. Maybe they will help me find it. Find me. Cause the girl I used to know? The girl who was sweet and kind and censored- that ***** is dead. Shes fucking gone, and I dont know who replaced her.
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3 comments
Parents are so hard to understand. Dads especially.
It’s not your fault at all. You have to be who you are and not what your father wants you to be.
*hugs* I wish I could be of more help. You’re such a amazing person and a wonderful friend.
If someone is expecting too much of you, it’s definitely not your fault. If you can’t live up to someone’s unrealistic expectations then they have to change them – it isn’t something you can change. Try not to let it make you feel badly about yourself.
Most of us here have probably felt like we’re losing our minds before, and mental illness can seem to take away the person you are or used to be. But the most helpful thing you can do is try to be kind to yourself. It doesn’t matter who you are right now – just keep letting the feelings out. 🙂 Things won’t stay so unbearable.
I used to want to sleep with some random person in a desperate attempt to feel better, but I think for most people when that experience is over it’s over… it doesn’t really change anything in the long run.
Sometimes it feels impossible to sit around and do nothing when things are so painful, but it might be best right now to try to wait for things to improve – and they will. It might feel like there’s nothing inside you right now apart from all the pain, but it won’t stay this bad.
@TaDB: hey there, haven’t seen you around. Are you still running? Also, why don’t you just move out and do your own thing. I flipped the folks the bird at 18 and hit the road. Being crazy as fuck sure is more fun when no one was all up in my business.