I stopped posting here while i waited for some supplies. I got things situated and waited. So here’s the story.
Tonight, i drove an hour and a half to pick up 100$ worth of high grade heroin. Ive never done it before in my life. My daughter is with my mother, i am home alone. I am cleaning house and organizing things to be found that need to be found. The grief that struck me in the truck on the way home was like nothing I’ve experienced in my life. I have my death in my pocket. To stand on the precipice, look down, and know…KNOW that you are about to step off. I have a few hours of cleaning. I have to set up time delay emails and texts. Easy. Why?
I fucked up. Or I am fucked up. Both i guess. I hit my wife. Often. I went to this domestic violence group for 52 weeks. Or was it 25? I cant remember. They told us we were making bad choices. In a nutshell. So i tried to make better choices. I know now that i am quite insane. I couldnt make better choices. I can fight it. For a time. But i eventually snap. I cant handle confrontation. I snap. People see what an ugly person you are, how disgusting it is to abuse another person, and nobody knows there’s a fucking WIRE crossed! I dont WANT this! Its a living hell. Except I took her with me. She left. Good for her. Im glad. Honestly. I love her. And our son. Hes really my step son. He’s gonna be 9 in February. Ive been raising him since he was 2. My little boy. I’ll never see him again. We’ve spent the last 6 years fighting a custody battle against the deadbeat dads parents, and we went through hell to win. They did get some visitation, made it hard for her to leave me, being bound to our address. She gave him over to them to escape me. Thats how fucking miserable i am. Im not allowed to get over this. To live like im ok after the destruction ive caused. I gave up. I stopped paying the bills. Buying groceries. Im going to lose the house even though she left me with it. I stopped paying.
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14 comments
I’m sorry that you’re feeling so hopeless. But maybe wait it out a little bit longer. Now you have an option. But try to just keep it as an option for now? Try to see if maybe you can get some of those things that you lost back. And if not, try to get something better. I’m not much help I know. But your tone sound so familiar. Maybe a desperation that I find in myself on some days. I hope you find the peace that you are looking for.
Thank you.
No need for a thanks. Just stick around for a little bit more yea? Rant and rage on here if it helps. *hugs*
Maybe for tonight. I have to admit im scared. I know it has to done. Im not ok. On any level. Its wierd like your already hurting so much. But when your actually ready to do it…it hurts so much more. So intense. I feel drained. Dizzy. Haven’t even taken anything.
I must sound insane right now. I feel like I lost my mind.
No you don’t sound insane at all. I understand what you’re feeling. Drink some water. Breath. Cry it out. And just wait a little more.
Thank you for talking to me. I needed dome of that. Ill take tonight.
That’s why I come on here. In my pain I can relate. I’ve had a few failed attempt. And right before that moment when I tell myself “today is the day that I’m going to die” I get scared. Every single time. But then with all my fails, Just for a moment it feel a little better. Maybe it’s not my time to go yet. Maybe it’s not your. Just find something worth staying for. Even If it’s for a few days, a few hours and hold on to that.
Wow. It never occurred to me that anyone still living could know how it feels. Its so bad I just equate it with death. Im so sorry that you know. Thats awful. Noone should know. The way this feels. Noone should know.
No one should. But sadly some of us do. Some days I want to take that final step and just end my pain. I know how it is to get so desperate that you don’t see any other options. But we are still here. Hanging around for something. Maybe to have this one conversation.
Try to get some rest. Shut off and disconnect for one night. And maybe some of this will make sense in the morning. My heart goes out to you. If you feel hopeless again, just try to think about something that you use to live for. Something that made you smile before it all came crashing down.
Or of that doesn’t help, come back on here and talk some more. I might not reply right away but someone else will see your pain and lend a hand. That’s why we come on here. Because we’re scared and just need a little bit of hope. And no you definitely aren’t ready to go yet. Not yet. Have a good night. *sending some peaceful dreams your way*
@nnotsureifready: how are you doing this morning?
I woke up. I was too exhausted too finish cleaning house. My daughter comes home today. Not sure how im going to get time alone now. Ill send her to her moms next weekend I guess.
Just keep talking and posting here. I say this a lot, but there is no shame in waiting to kill yourself. It isn’t like your m3thod has an expiration date. It will be there later next month too. A lot of people here came here in the same state you are in and decided to postpone their final end until later, or until never.