The most frustrating thing about whatever it is I’m going through is this oscillation, things start to improve in small ways and then something happens however big or small and I’m back to being low again.
New Years was one of those times, being home from uni means and the history i have at home means there are a lot more people i feel i need to avoid. All day i tried to focus on working on an eminent essay but was anxious about that night; where i was going to go and who i was going to meet.
i was in the pub enjoying drinks with friends and at that moment i felt happy, like this night might not go so badly, but three hours later I’m drunk, alone and cold in the street with nowhere to go. A supposed friend sending a picture of him kissing my recent ex of almost 4 years whilst i sit in the street hoping that someone i knew would walk past. I started 2016 alone, cold, crying and angry. Yes its trivial but its personal and it hurt a lot, i suppose I’m just weak.
i feel like I’m drifting from everyone i meet, I’m not a person of significance in anyones life including my own, A girl who i cared about, and thought cared about me told me she can’t continue this way and ended whatever relationship we had, my old friends are slipping away into groups of people who don’t want to have anything to do with me, and new friends just seem distant. I’m not the quiet kind of person, I’m loud and i thought i was confident and I’m used to be surrounded by friends. But the fact is i irritate people, which is always going to happen, but its just been expressed more and more. The more people slip away the more alone i feel, my loneliness is crippling and repelling to the few people i have left. Ive tried to change and act differently but theres only so much you can fake, anyone i knew would be surprised to read these or know how i feel and i hope they never do.
More and more I’m seeing that you reap what you sow, and i know this is all self inflicted, all my mistakes which makes it hurt more, the more i blame myself the more i cut, its not just to detract from how i feel anymore, i feel like i need to punish myself. right now I’m struggle to see any kind of future for myself
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I read this, i had a supposed friend also be with a girl i loved. It hurt so bad. I feel what you’re going through. I pray no one has to ever go through what i went through. Im sorry. But you dont need to punish yourself. I thought that way too. I am alone, usually around the holidays too. But we dont need to punish ourselves.