everyone tells me to be better. to be a functional human being. to be normal. is it so hard for them to see i can’t? what normal person sleeps constantly, isolates themselves in their room, goes the whole day without eating or speaking to anyone?? but they think it’s because i’m lazy, selfish. normally i am not one to feel sorry for myself regarding my mental illnesses, but they fucking exist. they exist, and they’re crippling me right now, but instead of anyone trying to help, they demonize me and wish i wasn’t such a burden on them. don’t they understand i stay away so i’m not even /more/ of a burden? do they want to hear me say these things directly to them? i don’t want them to resent me even more, but i fail at even that. failure permeates so much in my life, i think it must be engraved in my DNA. i cannot and will not overcome. maybe i refuse to overcome. i just want to pity myself for a little bit, even if i hate it. ah…i really want to die. i want to disappear.
4 comments
Hang in there – where some people won’t understand what you’re going through, there are others ready to 🙂
I too have often dealt with what you’ve described, but I’ve found it helps when I have projects to complete and tasks to do. This gives me a reason to get up and go about my day, and it’s satisfying to look at all that I’ve accomplished. Maybe you need to find something to keep you busy, and that will motivate you to improve yourself.
i have plenty to do but lack the will or reasoning to do anything. “what is the point when i see no point to life?” is a thought that frequently resounds in my mind.
Stay strong Jasal. I’ll say this and maybe you won’t get it and maybe I don’t get it either, but I don’t think there’s a ‘point’ to life. Looking for something that doesn’t exist or is so slippery that once you think you’ve found ‘the point’ its gone will only drive you ratshit crazy. So far, in my little existence the only point is; this breath. Then this breath. Then type this ‘word’. Then; this breath.
“Inch by inch life’s a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard”