Trapped

Hello, this is my first post on this site, I’ve seen a few on here and can feel so much of what others have written. I am at the point of trying to figure out what the f the point really is. We live in a very judgmental world, eveyone has opinions of what they think is right and wrong and try and force it on you. I’m tired of seeing all the terrible things we as “people” do to each other, and I do count myself in that too, I am guilty at times of passing judgment also, I try and catch myself, but when it slips and I realize I instantly hate myself. I’ve wanted for a long time to disappear to wait for my time to come. I hate how fake it all is.  I’m sorry I’m getting side tracked here. I’ve wanted to die for quite some time, and I’ll tell you why once I get through where I’ve been. I’ve had a decent childhood, my parents were fair and loving. It started as curiosity when I was young, but has became all I can think now, that I was born in the wrong body. And this is joke of it all. It is what really turns the knife in my back. I’m a big guy, tall, “manly man”, and met a girl in my early twenties that I loved dearly, I am a religious person and thought she was surly an answer from God. She found out how I envisioned myself and freaked out. I’d thought she would love me no matter what. We fought hard about me crossdressing, she was disgusted by it, it affected our sex life, shit it affected every part of our life. But we had made it through, I promised I wouldn’t do it anymore. I should have known better than to make a promise like that, that I should have known I couldn’t keep. Fighting ones self identity is tough. I asked her to mary me and she said yes. We were months away, and she dropped on me that she was a lesbian. We split and she is now getting married to her gf. And don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her to have found her true self. But it killed me that I didn’t want this body, and wanted to be a girl, and could have been with her new self were that the case. But instead I got more flack about it as we discussed our final discussions. She asked me if I still dressed up, I told her the truth that I did. And I knew I promised I wouldn’t. After all that I tried so hard to hold it together. I came so close so many times to OD on purpose, or to swerve hard while on the highway into a ditch, (of course making sure no one else would be coming with me) . I prayed, I cried to God, to give me an answer, what was the point of me? Even with religious aspects this is hard. According to the bible I’m going to burn in hell for being me. I ended up meeting someone several years later that had started as a fling but things just went so well, we ended up dating. I told her about myself, and my past. She was ok with it. We participate with each other and it’s been great. BUT….. when we fight, all I can think of is, when will I die already?!? This wasn’t supposed to be me. This wasn’t supposed to be my life. I could go on and on about all the cruelty of it. Both in the world, and in my own head. But I should probably just keep waiting. I won’t actually do it. At least not yet. My religion also says if I do ill go to hell for that also. So I’m stuck, until my time comes, and maybe then I can get that answere. What’s the f$€¥ing point of me.