I’m never going to be the same, it’s still here in my head and it’s not going away. The voice in my head.
He’s me but not me, how do you describe yourself when you don’t even know who you are anymore. He knows me better than anyone else, better than my parents ever will, better than my “friends” ever will. I don’t think even she can save me anymore. It’s been too long.
I wanted to go to college, I wanted to go to university to study maths. Now I can’t hardly do a sum without thinking about her, or what I’ve done since, what I’m setting myself on doing.
My brother nearly died today in a skiing accident. Smashed his face after falling 30 ft down, he’s in hospital right now with internal bleeding around his brain. He has a girlfriend been with her for two years now. He’s got both things I want right now. A relationship with someone who cares for him as much as he cares for her. And death.
I want my life to rewind 12 months. So I can relive my summer with true friends, stay with them so I don’t force myself through the absolute fear and difficulty of making new friends. So I don’t make the mistakes I made when I had no guidance. So I don’t end up how I am now, a drug addicted mess.
No friends, no one I can rely on, a family that doesn’t understand, a jealousy. I can hear myself now telling me to throw myself off a cliff break my bones and freeze myself to death.
I don’t know why I keep myself going. I quite often feel there’s no reason to. I suppose it would be because she would find out. I still have a small piece of me holding on to a memory of when I was once living.