Often when i’m stressed, like when there are important exams coming up in the near future (or any particularly significant event for that matter), I have a series of thoughts that run through my head. It’s a mantra that half keeps me sane and half makes me insane.
“You could join the army instead. You could commit a crime instead. You could kill yourself instead.”
Each of these prospects require a varied level of commitment, but over time they become less of a threat and more of an ideology.
Although all three of these options keep bouncing around my head, right now i’m contemplating committing a crime. I like the idea of committing arson. It’s serious enough to warrant imprisonment, yet potentially easy to get away with for a while before i’m caught. Now that i think about it, i’ve always loved fire. I could stare at it forever as it performs its own magical ballet for me. It doesn’t care if it’s burning a box of papers or a screaming man, it doesn’t judge the good from the bad, the living from the dead. It just burns. It’s just beautiful.
I think i could make friends in prison. If not, it would still be an adventure. I dont understand why homeless people sleep in the streets in the cold when they could be warm, fed and sheltered in jail. I bet there’s so many interesting people in jail, and i bet there’s a lot of sad people in there too. I don’t think i’m insane, even though i have these insane thoughts. When i’m in public i’m quite a good actor it would seem, I even convince myself that i’m healthy. Maybe if i went to prison, i would get raped, beaten up, left for dead. At least then i would have a solid foundation for the deep dark purple feeling that emanates from my soul. Because as it stands, i don’t know where this colour is coming from. And part of me (feels like quite a big part sometimes) really likes that colour, its brings with it a feeling of comfort and i feel like i’m having an affair when i look at other colours.
Some people are happy a lot of the time. Is it really so unnatural for me to be sad a lot of the time instead. Maybe my personality is that i’m sad. People don’t like to be with sad people though. People look down upon sad people. I wish that was different.
You don’t need to humour me with a response. Even as i watch myself write this i can see how pathetic i am.
Where did you go Chris? You’re so different now.