Blind as a bat or Broken to pieces

I’m not even sure how to start. I pulled up from work crying. (And that was before I read Nidda’s post i started really bawling then) Im just defeated in this moment. I will be fired soon because of the urealistic productivity standards. Im listening to an audiobook called the Confidence Gap. Its main focus is that you cant control what thoughts pop in your head but how long they stay. Also it is irrelevant how true a thought is but how helpful one is. That its perfectly normal to have negative thoughts and to notice them diffuse them and know that they will fade. There is a lot more but only this will be relevant to the post. Also I’ve been doing EFT (emotional freedom technique)  I’ve been exercising trying to eat better. Im thinking of doing volunteer work at an animal shelter. In short im trying to make more of my life. One question why? Nidda and Twix this rainbow are both (hopefully not but in all likelihood) dead. Why don’t i join them?

Why didn’t I beat them to it? One word incompetence. Im here because I don’t have a method. I am making the most of a life that im forced to live. I don’t believe I’ll ever get the life I want. All i want is a loyal loving relationship and a job/career that allows me financial security on some level without making me suicidal.  Is anyone loyal anymore? When i did try to date I never saw loyalty save for one time and that due to extenuating circumstances faded. I’ve never cheated on anyone. I dont date casually either. I crave love more than sex. Sex can be oversoled and overrated. (Yes sometimes the guy has to fake it too lol) its such a nerve because of all the bs ive dealt with. All the lies the rejection the friends who disparaged me for my shyness and sexual inactivity have made me even worse. And i feel like I’ll fight off the panic attacks all the bullshit going on in my head to find someone who will use her baggage as an excuse to cheat….again. What’s the point? How do I make incentives to live when they seem impossible in modern western society? I cant keep watching frogs hop away from me hoping one of them is a princess and in particular my princess.* I know improve for yourself and no one else. Im not saying thats wrong but someone else is a huge piece of anyones puzzle. How many happy people go decades with no meaningful relationships? Ive never been able to keep anyone’s intrest and if i do they will likely cheat. That isnt just poor self talk thats past dealings and it is statistically more likely now than ever in human history and Ill never be brad pitt. Im rightfully frightened at dating but im tired of being alone and to even be able to date is a mountain to overcome. Im getting older ive been alive for a while but i haven’t had a life yet. So why not join nidda and twix and ironman while we are remembering the fallen.

That said im sad as hell at them being gone. I wish they were able to find peace in life and not death. I understand it but them being here one moment and not the next. Its horrifying to think of in a way. I can handle my own death its somrone elses that i have a problem with. I thought at work i wonder if both of them are dead? I keep hoping againg hope they arent. But its entirely possible and reasonably likely they are gone. How can this species of mammal  (us humans) survive if all of good people die and all of our good qualities are discouraged culturally. This is unsustainable especially with the population growing at an alarming rate. This wont work. This is Armageddon. No meteor or nuclear weapon needed. Rather its a slow crawl into perpetual madness for all. Why am i still here to watch it? Im leaving comments on only because if i take them off someone may post something in response. Please if you dont have anything nice to say or if your comment directly says that you dont understand please also dont comment. That said i appreciate anyone who took the time out to read this. I know these feelings will eventually pass but for now im in pain on more levels than i can even post and I’m hurting now.  This is already over 750 words lol. Ill probably overeat and lurk and get back to the things i need to do.