I am a wrothless and one you get rid of

So this basically what’s been going on in my life for the past 3 years I’m married no kids and I have a husband that does love me.in my culture get married very young I got married at 18 and that involves living with your in until it’s time for you to move out and live on your own.after a year and a half of marriage I was feeling pretty good I wasn’t feeling completely worthless and I haven’t cut in almost a yearPoint.right after 2nd year mark life went to shit .financially I was very unstable which is a very big problem my mother in law went fucking crazy.decided the month of nonstop mental abuse.which is funny because when I say that nobody really believe me so what calls you crazy calls you dumb but it was more than that.it was you don’t know how to make a dollar you don’t know how to clean you don’t know how to do anything you are unteachable I don’t know how to talk I don’t know how to act around others and she was done I don’t know how to take orders.now not that my self esteem was anything great for marriage it was awful actually my depression was disaster no one in my family knew at all .but one time my sister saw a cut saying worthless and  a cut on my stomach and I gave them I have been some bullshit lie but  they didn’t believe it but they really din’t care.so you think it was around October maybe a little bit before I saw someone razor blade and again I wrote worthless of course he seen it and force me to stop which I did very short time when I realized if I cut my finger right under for my wedding band is he won’t see it and if anybody askedband-aid underneath my ring I will tell them skin gets very dry Clorox and I wash dishes skin it’s very rough and breaks hence the bandaid.pretty clever right I did that a little bit over amonth or so.so around the time of October my sister who lives all the way in New Hampshire callsus  to a New England Patriots game.now this wasn’t a spur of the moment thing this was something my family and I planning months but time we were not extremely financially stable.but my great in laws i say sarcastically.all the sudden want to go to Orlando Florida and stay 10 days because their daughters eloped to a garbage of a people and since she’s been married she has not had a good birthday so at the same time the same wonderful in laws left town to open up a franchise business on the other end of the fucking the United States.we already go to a fucking mountaintop in Utah every fucking year thinking we are going to make money and be good and be I’m a 2000 $in 3 months that I was there I wanted to throw myself off the fucking side of the mountain.now in my culture girls are meant to cook cream make money take care after their husbands and their family and be their life support fine I would understand this is real hard task if my mother didn’t raise me like a daughter in law physical and mental abuse of training us for marriage and I can handle as my mother and the perfect to tell her to do something and she’ll do it no questions asked.my mother in law and one year took 18 years of abuse crying in training .and unravel entire 18 years of training and what she says to me does not my mothersdaughter in laware better than me it’s where she f***** up has she had something better than my mothers daughter in laws she had her daughter please to wake up clean the house have respect make money try my hardest goodbye everybody.she’s mad at me because I got use to the lay back lifestyle she Made ma little trip from after a little trip from hell Florida and after her daughter had a wonderful time they buy their investment on the other side of the f****** United States and come home and tell me the trip I want to go with my family to go see my sister is just a worthless trip and it’s really no reason to go on it now I will give them that when we first came up with the idea my husband and I agreed on only staying a few days instead of 8 days in Boston and New Hampshire but after staying 12 days in fucking  Florida with people constantly eating my heart out every step of the way I thought of it would be ok to stay 8 days with my sister with somebody I have not seen in 6 months and they have been  with their  daughter has not been out of their lives for last 4 months straight.and and now keep in mind my husband and I asked to stay home in mind our business as we have no money to go on a two week vacation for their daughter to Florida whereas I realize I was there my real job is only to be babysitter for their grandbaby not my child their daughters child which I don’t have a problem with but you dont go and make me trouble because you are not having a good time because you are taking care of your child is not my full responsibility watch your child.because as we were there we went to a wedding as I see my heart luck sister in law with her child outside and  the bar stops serving drinks so my sister in law and another girl said we’re going to head up to the room we have some liquor there we’re going to drink in the room come back downstairs hard luck sister of mine do you want to come with me. no I can’t to watch the baby and I don’t feel like walking all that way is what she said because she’s dying because she can’t drink or enjoy herself because she got herself pregnant with in the first monthe of marriage. now as a baby sees me she starts crying for so I pick up the baby and playing with her I’m watching her I even offer to take the baby upstairs with me and I’ll come back downstairs because the baby is trapped in the stroller because hard luck sister in law doesn’t feel like running around after her cuz shes fat and  lazy. so I put the baby back in the stroller I give her her little iPad and she is okay I go upstairs with the girls drink less than 10 minutes im ups stairs as I make my way downstairs who catches me is my mother drunk and need help to go change your shoes so I go with her and another woman to change their shoes when I come back downstairs less than 10 minutes when I come back downstairs my mother in law is screaming at the top of her lungs on the other end of the lobby of the hotel you left my baby crying you left my baby crying in the stroller and that’s it I’m done at had enough. as time went on we went back home two are one bedroom apartments with 1 bathroom where I am NOT allowed to go to the bathroom in front of my father in law and I wake up and my mother in laws sitting in the kitchen and she tells me I don’t know how to clean I don’t know how to cook they don’t know how to talk and I don’t know how to do anything and I am untouchable and she is done with me later that day I hear her talking about how I shouldn’t go on the trip with my fam to see my mother because I have no money if they just took me on its two week trip that we do not want to go on with no money and threw it in my face every f****** second the day but whatever so when I say I want to stay a full 8 days instead of 3 days they lose their s*** in my mother in law tells me if you want to leave there’s the door so she basically kicked me out and like an idiot I didn’t walk out I am going on my trip with my sister but only staying for days when I come back home they suddenly tell me that I have to go on the other side of f****** United States to help them run their business when before I left they told me home for the holidays come back home and mind your business and they left a week later to the other side of the f****** world he wanted business where we live in downtown Chicago right off of Michigan Ave with a top-notch location we need to move to the middle of f****** nowhere to make money really when I just made $3,000 in the place you guys want to take me out of but when I tell you I don’t want to stay the full winter in f****** no man’s land used tell me what I make is garbage not shipped and that will amount to nothing so I got mad and I said well how am I supposed to make $3,00 here and if its shit here what is it going to do there. so my mother in law tells me fine you could stay there in Chicago but you need 7500 to cough up for the bills every month when the original plan was she paid off the first few months she was giving her son in that place but instead she’s going to put her hard luck daughter in there. so at the end of the day my father in law kick me out and so did my mother in law they told me I have a 30 day eviction notice I get out of their house figure it out. so when my father found out he told me to come home and I did and what happened basically was because I tried sticking up for myself saying I don’t want to be moving around from town to town to town to town I got fucked royally.my father in law came back in town to pick up a cell phone that was mine and then picked up his son waited for his hard luck daughter come in town.and left me my husband left me for Christmas town 2 days before new years then we end up spending the new years together I was expected to go home and everything will be home andand everything would be fine but instead my mother in law gets in on the phone because your grandfather is is dying and your wife is going you have to wait before we ever get her back sorry little shorter wewe did end up getting each other back but his mother said he to she doesn’t want to live same house with so I end up coming to Florida to live with his sickly grandfather and really old grandmother so now I am sleeping on a couch waking up at 7 in the morning and hating my life and the best part is my husband wants to move here if I say no im fucked pretending to be happy i stole nerves tales from the old people and I am taking them like candyand he’s probably going to try to pull me out of this house probably by my hair probably beat the s*** out of me I don’t know but that’s what tomorrow looks like so either way I look at whenever I try to do something for myself he doesn’t work out everybody keeps telling me I’m 21 years old you can make your own decisions which is another f****** lie it’s only decision within their guidelines I can makemy husband’s grandmother will not allow him leaveand he said if my father has come and pick me up pull me out of the house or whatever it is to have his car no reason for him to back which basically means you have no reason to look for me.and the other option is I am going to fight with my father and I’m probably going to be all connected everyone in my family because I really do feel that was my mother in law true intend to keep me away from my  family.looks like she wins. And I’m just think of all the dumb ************.  who keep forgetting i not meant you had any kind of happiness in this life I am worthless greedy selfish an awful human being I would say dying be a better way which but unfortunately right nowI cannot kill my Self it would hurt my husband to much and i cant do that.besides you don’t kill those you want to torture you keep them alive we wake up every d wishing we are dead