I’m so sick of trying to live. I will never be okay. People keep asking what am I going to do with my life, why don’t you motivate yourself, why not do what makes you happy- Nothing makes me happy I just want to throw my body off a bridge. I find it so weird how most people just expect you to want to be alive, I don’t understand how anyone wants to live through all this garbage.
I don’t want to keep trying, I don’t want to be motivated, I don’t want to get to the “good” part where I have a wife and kids and all that garbage.
I want to be free. I want to die. I want to be the embodiment of nothing and cease existing.
I thought my failed suicide might have been a sign, maybe my perspective or situation would change, then I thought maybe I had died and my punishment was to “survive”.
I fucking hate that word, holy fucking shit that word disgusts me. Survivor is the worst. It makes me sound like a tragedy, like I’m begging for spare change.
The people around me are so toxic. Even if there are good people I’ll never find them.
Maybe instead of working, I’ll find a nice tall bridge. I won’t be able to jump unfortunately, having an extreme sense of morals is tiring.
Eventually I’ll stop caring about family or maybe vice versa.
I wonder if I’ll really smile before I jump.
12 comments
Hi Dungeon, having morals is indeed aggravating sometimes. Interesting take on why you haven’t jumped yet. I don’t have a hell of a lot to suggest for you. Walking forward is what keeps me going during the bland times. I say bland because really dark and really light times are motivators in and of themselves. Bland grey? That I can’t tolerate.
Sup Hazy, Yeah I get what you mean. Its like walking through a fog and you have no idea where to go.
I can understand your feelings. I’m suffering from almost same phase.
Could you tell me the reason behind your anxieties/depression?
I know when we suffer from depression, no kind of motivational crap will help.
I can totally understand that.
Telling a depressed person to get motivated is like telling an insomniac person to get some sleep.
It just doesn’t work.
“Motivation” works only for normal people, not people like us.
Due to my social anxiety I find no comfort outside, unless I am alone I can not feel safe.
That being said, I hate being alone and I feel trapped inside my own self. This is just a general reason as I am covered with different issues and they are getting too heavy to carry.
And the insomnia thing is spot on, some people just don’t understand.
Can you tell me the reason behind your social anxiety?
Are you afraid of people (specially strangers)?
Are you afraid that you would behave abnormally in front of other people and get embarrassed?
The reason they tell you that shit is they never lived through that garbage. They’re clueless. I remember being like that, once. Didn’t last many years. But still. It’s a whole nother ball game. No wonder they think it’s worth it. They’ve never been down the pit.
Yup, ignorance is bliss.
Yeah 🙂
I’m a little different in that even if I had an ‘exciting’ life I’d still want to die. No plans for future here. I don’t want to live. I just don’t. I haven’t had a ‘great’ life by definition but not the worst by ‘definition’. I have no friends really. I was bullied in school. No friends there. I cant say my parents are horrible..it could be alot worse but i give a shit. While I am appreciative of anything good that people do for me… that I have food, a roof over my head, … I’m mentally deteriorating. I’m a weakling…child in adult body … I was not made for this world
And most people and animals suck (sorry if i offended anyone, i know some love animals).
The only ‘friend’ i have is my online boyfriend which is going nowhere, I love him too much to leave, think my only escape will be death. If only suicide was easy and painless. I feel like a coward. I’m pathetic.
Sorry for hijacking your post
Dungeon do you have any friends that have SA too? It would be nice if you had. I had one friend with SA, I identified with him in many things and at least we could talk to each other about it.