I’ve struggled with it for so long. I thought that loneliness was something I had to protect myself from. I spent so much time putting up walls that I didn’t realize it was coming from in me. It wasn’t seeping its way into me, because at my core and my karmic debt, I am loneliness. I don’t deserve to have people who cherish me.
I’m not enough. I’ll never be enough. I can’t save people. What good is someone like that? I keep trying though. I find people who need someone. Someone to fill that place that sits somewhere behind their heart. They only need me for a short time. They leave. But it’s never her. I can’t have her back, but I keep. TRYING. And no one sees that. Why can no one see that I need to be saved?
Because I am loneliness. I don’t get to be saved. I’m always the strong one. Always the one you can depend on. Always the one saving you. I take on your loneliness so you don’t have to hold it. But it’s okay, because I want it. I want to be lonely. I want to be strong. I want to suffer. I can’t save him either. But I’ll try. He told me I wasn’t enough.
Why am I never enough? I just want to be enough. Please let me be enough.
Please.
I can’t do it anymore. Maybe one day or in another life I’ll be okay.
I’ll be enough.
I’m so sorry.
I love you.
1 comment
This post says so much. I think karmic debt is very unfair, but it exists. The idea that we have to atone for past lives, or even things we did in this life years ago when we were much different, is total bullshit. If you make mistakes but later become a genuinely good person helping others, why should you still be tortured for what’s long gone? Who knows who set up these idiotic tyrannical rules, maybe our own minds, but the end result is more needless suffering.