My introduction, my perspective

Hello, everyone.

I stumbled across this site the other day and have had the overwhelming urge to join. I guess it’s because I’m interested in suicide in a lot of ways – not just for myself but also the ethics of it in general. I know it’s a touchy subject, but I like reading various opinions on the matter. Personally, I think that we should have the right to do what we want to with our lives, whether we want to continue going on or not. I’m not trying to promote it, though. It’s just my view; I know it’s not the best thing for everyone.

I’m in my mid-thirties. I’ve done a lot of cool things in my life, but I’ve battled depression and mood swings throughout most of it. I was diagnosed bipolar a few years back, which was a relief because I could finally name my ailment. I hated knowing something was wrong but not exactly what. Before I found out and since I’ve found out, I’ve been on different meds and undergone years of therapy. Medicine works, then doesn’t work… therapy helped, then didn’t. The last five years have especially been trying. However, knowing that I finally have the means to end it all whenever I want has actually made life rather calm. It’s brought back some of the control I so desperately needed.

The big picture cleared up a bit, but my day-to-day life is like a blur. Through this recent med transition, I feel cloudy and tired a lot. The days blend together. I tend to “wake up” and find that hours have gone by but I’ve done nothing except run the hamster wheel in my mind and getting absolutely nowhere. I’m hoping that my mind stabilizes so I can soon focus my efforts on getting things settled so I can go in peace.

I’m ending this post with a song from Ghibli’s “Arrietty” that I really identify with on many levels. It’s called “The Neglected Garden.” I love nostalgic music like this.