My story currently…

Well the thought of Valentines doesn’t really bother me due to the fact that it really is a celebration of how people feel towards one another, and a scam from big companies. But either way knowing that people can feel that strongly about each other and that when i find someone that i value as a significant other, that i can celebrate Valentine’s as well.
Either way no one would value me that way that i would for them. I am just so stupid. I am failing high school and the fact that that doesn’t really bother me, scares me. My father has leukemia and had to use a cane for about 2 years, my grandma died of lung cancer. My father’s business involved him traveling since i was in first grade till now. He would be gone for a couple months only to visit for a week or so, then he would be off again. I grew up without a fatherly figure but my mother hasn’t really helped. She thinks I am mentally retarded and wants me to be checked for any mental deficiency. A year ago, my mother was trying to piss me off and i wanted to leave the situation by going to my room but she blocked the way and moved/pushed out of the way. She screamed at me, “I am going to call the cops” and rushed around looking for a phone. Luckily, and I mean luckily, i was supposed to change the batteries in all the phones and just took them into my room and chucked somewhere. But still, if she did find a phone, i would have a charge of domestic violence and that would have shat all over my life. My uncle was an alcoholic and died when i was around seven. Before then i would visit him, he didn’t talk to anyone for months, but when i visited and played with a bouncy ball he would say short words or phrases quietly under his breath. I felt better knowing that I made his smile a couple months before he died. He went through three marriages and last one was and still is money hungry, according to my parents, so i have never met or even seen them. My grandpa just died a month ago or so. My other grandpa is one of the biggest assholes i have met in my life. When i was around 7 i nearly caught this fish that was about one foot and six inches, but it snapped my line. He gave so much shit like “oh yeah? what fish?” and everyone did that to me, keep in mind i was 7. Another time when i visiting them in Canada. I slept in till like 10 because it was a different time zone, and my parents wanted to get me up and i told them to go away because i was as tired as shit. later when my parents were gone shopping my grandpa sat me down and said that we needed to talk when i was ready. I wasn’t allowed to do anything while waiting, and fucking hate that guy so i just sat there for 2 hours not doing anything and telling him i wasn’t ready to talk. Finally he gave up waiting and just lost his shit with me sleeping in and telling my parents to go away and let me sleep in. So i’ve been avoiding going to Canada during the summer (we go once a year).
When i was ten and again when i was thirteen i tried to kill my self by making a noose, but i was too stupid to be able make one but none the less i still tried. My parents don’t know that i have had two attempted suicides. Everyday i think about what would happen if i did kill myself, and at first people would be sad but, as everyone must do, they would move on. In the end no one would care. One night i had a thought of getting a hug from this guy that i watch on youtube, Arin from gamegrumps, and i cried for fifteen minutes. It made me feel so good, even though i just imagined it. That’s how sad my life is. I thought about if someone tried to rob me or a local place im at, that i would walk up to them and lift their gun to my head and say, “Do it.” and they would. And somehow that gives me inner peace because if i was presented with the situation, I would do that. I would happily sacrifice my life for another because i value it less then anyone else’s, no matter if it was a stranger. I hate my life.