My Story (mothers suicide, mental disorders & much more)

I’ve lived anything but a normal life & I just turned 20. My parents were both abused. My dad was physically beaten by his father. My mother was raped many times during her childhood by her step dad. My parents hooked up (drunk) at a party & 9 months later I was born. I am a bastard. My parents got married when I was 3. My mom was addicted to crack until I was in kindergarten. My dad physically & emotionally abused her until she left him (moved out) when I was in 7th grade. My mom stayed with him that long because she wanted me to have a father. They offical got divorced when I was 16. I moved around a lot as a kid. I went to quite a few different elementary & middle schools. I went to 3 high schools & barely graduated. It was hard always having to make new friends & I never really fit in anywhere. Most of my childhood was one week with my mom then the next with my dad. They both always talked poorly of each other. They would try to bribe me to get me to tell the guardian ad litem/the court that I’d rather live with one over the other. They mostly did this to try to get a phynacial gain over the other one. I never picked a side until they official got divorced. When I turned 16 I refused to go by my dad & spent the rest of high school with my mom. It was hard for me watching my mom date guys because a lot of them tried to be a father figure. I treated them all terribly. I got heavy into drugs (mostly weed) as a coping mechanism. I never had much as far as possessions. My mom struggled to support us when I was in highschool & filled for bankruptcy. The day after I graduated highschool I found my mother dead in her room, she overdosed on pills. Her suicide note pretty much said it was my fault. I hurt her because I was reblious & wasn’t a Christian like she was. My uncle (moms brother) took me in after that. Soon after her death I dated this girl named Amber. She moved in with me & my uncle a few months into our relationship. I needed someone to fill the hole in my heart that my mother had left. I caught her cheating on me & shooting up heroin. A few days before Christmas I decided to kill myself. I was slitting my wrist when Amber walked in. Before she called the cops I told her I was done with her. So she told the cops I tried to strangle her then kill myself. I now have felonies on my record for things I never did. After I got out of jail I found out my aunt (moms sister) took about half of my moms life insurance money & she refuses to give be it back. I took the other half & got my own apartment with Amber. I was dumb & legally wasn’t even supposed to see her. She said she was sorry for what she did & promised to change. I felt all alone & my family made me an outcast because I was upset at my aunt about the money. They backed my aunt because she gave some of the money to them. Amber didn’t change. She stole most of the money I had gotten from the life insurance & totaled my car drunk. She also regularly physically hit me. I caught her doing heroin & I walked in on her cheating with a guy in my bed. I told her to get out & she called the cops. I wasn’t supposed to see her so I went to jail again. I was kicked out of my apartment & it was given to her. I paid two years rent on it ($15,000) & she still lives there rent free, even to this day. All my earthly possessions were in there. When I got out of jail I literally had nothing but the clothes on my back. I spent the next 8 months moving from friends house to friends house. I still don’t know how I survived on so little food. A few months ago I found out my mother had work insurance ($55,000). My aunt had hidden it from me. I got ahold of it. I bought a car, paid 6 months rent on an apartment, bought furnature & rebought some of my possessions. I’m currently living off the last few thousand dollars from that money. I got into a car accident recently & had to pay a lot of money out of pocket. So I don’t have much of that money left. I live with my new girlfriend but I have major trust issues. I don’t know what to think after going through her phone & seeing guys (some of them old boyfriends) asking to go out with her. Shes never mentioned anything about guys messaging her & it really bothers me. Especially because she freaks out if any girl messages me. I’m have 3 years of probation for something I didn’t do. With felonies on my record at my age it’s almost impossible to get a job. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety & depression. I tried to take prescribed pills but even after months of taking them, they only make everything worse. I’m an outcast from my family & have only a few friends. I only really see my girl & I have major trust issues with her. I’ve been “drug free” (weed) since the start of my probation 6 months ago. I’ve contemplated suicide more times than I can count since my mom died. I’m still severely depressed & feel alone. I just turned 20 about a week ago. I feel alone, confused & completely lost. I’m not currently suicidal but I have very little hope for my future. I just recently joined this site to vent & hopefully help out others who have had a rough life. If anyone actually read all this, thank you for taking your time to hear my story.