I know I don’t mean anything to any of you, but I just need someone to know how scared of myself I am.
I continuously have dreams in which I end up dying, more often than not, by my own hand. I’ve jumped off buildings, jumped in front of moving cars, slit my wrists, overdosed, etc. I day dream and lose myself in suicidal role plays threatening my sanity. I wish I could turn off my thoughts for a day. I wish I could stop getting lost playing scenarios like pornography to an addict. Am I addicted to the thought of my death? Do I desire it that strongly? I am fairly positive it isn’t a lack of attention, but quite possibly a thriving need for someone to see how pained my emotions are. I can’t speak out and my cries are too subtle, or overlooked… I’ve contemplated calling a suicide hotline, but where would that get me? I’d prolong the inevitable even longer. They sit and attempt to convince me that I’m worthwhile, but if I was worth anyone’s while, I wouldn’t be on the phone with them. It’s not always like this. I actually find myself feeling happy sometimes. I feel like everything is falling into place for me right now. If that is the case, why do I still find myself crying in pained reminiscence of my thoughtless desires? What is wrong with me?
I’ve read numerous articles. “You won’t always feel like this. Just put off your decision for a day, a week, even longer.” It’s been a month and I still want to kill myself. I won’t be able to stop my hand next time.
I guess my time is drawing near.
14 comments
I completely know how you feel. Like you I also spend and unfathomable amount of time thinking of various methods by which I can ‘out’ myself. Even when I’m happy it is omnipresently on the back of my mind.
Unlike you though, things are not falling in line for me, contributing much more so to my feeling of worthlessness. Often times I find that expressing myself via this medium and utilizing other methodologies often helps me to re-evaluate myself.
Sometimes it takes an unaffiliated, unbiased and neutral perspective to see how valuable you really are.
It is okay to feel afraid, if you aren’t, it would be inhuman of you. Take that fear and use it to your advantage. Find a methodology to expel the pessimism and affinity towards death. Learning to manage your psyche helps in decreasing your desire of death.
I suppose it’s a good thing I’m stuck so far into depression. I can’t even convince myself to kill myself. I have spent far too much time planning everything out… from the hotel to the method to the sights of the faces I won’t see crying.
I’m honestly to a point that I feel it’d be easier if I just ran my car off a cliff.
I like the randomly generated avatars. Yours is pretty cool; reminds me of a wolf’s face.
“You won’t always feel like this. Just put off your decision for a day, a week, even longer.”
>That sounds like someone who isn’t or has never been depressed giving what they think is sound advice. It’s unnerving how misunderstood depression and mental illness in general is even today.
I’ve never done it, either, but I have thought that calling a hotline might be beneficial if only to be able to vent about all the stuff that’s bothering me to an objective third party. Might help you find some clarity.
I don’t have the ability to make myself vulnerable to someone like that. It’s taken me months to finally get up the courage to post this thread, and I’ve almost deleted it twice. I’ve hit a point that everything that used to work doesn’t anymore. I’ve turned to self harm, and that doesn’t even fix things the way it used to.
A profound statement….. “a thriving need for someone to see how pained my emotions are.”
I wonder why this need is so obvious to us, but not even on the radar of most people who say they care about us.
I think most people are satisfied to be distant and clueless. Of those who bother to try to understand, their attention span is limited and their goal is to fix rather than understand.
Some people are too afraid of embracing the difficulties of others, so they simply avoid connection to any pained emotions.
Humanity is disappointing.
I overindulge. I am an empath. I thrive off of making everyone’s life easier for them to endure. I put my own sanity at risk in an attempt to help someone clear theirs. I’ve driven myself into the ground trying to find someone to return the favor for once… looking for someone to care long enough to pull me out of my own head.
Maybe it’s pointless to keep looking. Maybe it’s pointless to keep trying.
I can relate. I was always available for others in their time of need – for decades.
Then, when I suffered emotionally I finally decided to have the courage to let others see my vulnerability. Interestingly, everyone disappeared. My husband said to me “You’ve always been there for others, but nobody is being here for you.”
Right, no return of favor.
I’ve given up. People are predominately heartless and self-centered. And that’s a fact.
How do you deal with that? I used to get such a satisfying feeling helping people and making their lives easier. Not so much anymore…
Have we simply grown cold? Is this how it’s going to be forevermore?
I was never entirely warm and fuzzy with abundant plastic platitudes. But I truly enjoyed helping others in their darkest moments and in their time of need. I was always the one who would assist the underdog, whether it be family, coworker, neighbor, stranger.
Nobody has treated me with the kind of care I’ve shown others. I’ve even had people offer to do things and then when I accept their offer, they didn’t come through. And then I never hear from them again. It is such a strange phenomenon that I then tested this several times with different people. My opinion is that these people don’t truly *care*, but they want to be perceived as caring. That’s why they offer. It sounds good, makes them feel good, but then they don’t actually have to *do* anything.
I admit that I’ve grown cold. I still have an innate sense where I notice the needs of others, but most of the time I just choose to ignore. I try to avoid people altogether so that I don’t even notice whatever their needs might be.
A few days ago a rainstorm started just as I was exiting my car to go to the grocery store. I opened my umbrella and started walking toward the store entrance. Passing by me was a woman holding a bag of groceries and getting wet from the rain. Instinctively, I offered to walk her to her car under my umbrella. She politely declined because her car was just a few feet away, but she seemed pleased that I asked. Sometimes, I just can’t help myself because it’ natural behavior for me.
Gosh, I wish I could turn my compassion off like that sometimes. I see someone in need and bee-line to help. Maybe a secret desire to fulfill my need to feel worth something, or maybe just a humble love of making people happy. I wouldn’t be in the field I work in if I was cold to the world. Helping others, regardless of their return, helps me feel like I’m doing my part… but it’s getting to the point that I don’t see anyone returning the favor. Just the same as you said.
I think that is also part of the reason I’ve put off plans temporarily to end it. Because I know someone could benefit from me before I go. Someone could use the last of what’s left to my sanity. Someone could take advantage of my kind nature. Use me for everything I’m work, ya’know? Then I can die peacefully knowing I really am as useless as I feel.
I sometimes feel, for me, that thinking and dreaming about suicide is a coping mechanism for all the crap thrown at me. There’s so much dragging me down, things I can’t control in life, but at least I can imagine taking control of one area of my life, my death and imagine it happening the way I want. Also to imagine, like you say, of the contrast between thoughts of being uncared for and yet imagining the faces of those around you and how they will react with shock at the news. That’s the thing, people will avoid other people’s difficulties until something drastic happens, then It’ll be ‘oh if only we knew’.
Suicide hotlines can serve a purpose when someone has a sudden crisis, if you are considering then best to try, but long term help is needed as well. Don’t be afraid of talking and ranting if it helps.
That really hit home for me. That’s the most plausible way to describe my life.
I guess I just fear that I’m losing control of the ability to stop these day dreams. I promised myself years ago when I tried to end my life that I would write a letter to the most important people to me. I find myself writing to them as of late, and after rereading it days later, it’s quite frightful how pained my words are. I don’t even think as I write sometimes. It’s pure raw heartfelt exhaustion. I just know my time is coming.
I can’t really say where calling a hotline would get you, but it might help with letting someone else know how scared you are. I know my own story is that suicidal thoughts got to the point of consuming every hour, which led me here, and that sharing some of my thoughts with others who can relate has been, if not helpful, at least a small comfort.
I’ve been here for a month… but I’ve never posted. I haven’t the courage. I went to post my original share and tried to delete it numerous times. I don’t want anyone to know that I feel this way because when I go to complete plans, they’ll try to stop me. Anonymity rocks…