I am sad. So sad. I am so sad to the point where the prettiest things feels the ugliest. Where the most vivid images in life seems the most dark. Where the joy feels like sadness, and the excitement feels like fear. I am sad. Sad to the point where when happiness is present, it is enveloped entirely by a deep sadness.
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As mentioned yesterday on a post, I got the opportunity to attend a concert with performers, dancers, and motivational speakers today.
When everyone else enjoyed themselves during the break, I locked myself in the bathroom and cut myself.
When everyone found happiness and joy throughout the show, I felt a sob growing within me.
When everyone went home together and excited, I headed home with a heavy heart, alone, and cried on the trip home, when I took the bus. A person noticed, but I couldn’t help myself, yet thankfully they didn’t comment.
Where everyone else came home ecstatic and overjoyed, I arrived home crying.
Why? Because happiness feels unreachable. Happiness feels unimaginable. Happiness feels unattainable, at least for me.
I don’t know where I can find happiness.
I am only made up of sadness.
2 comments
I understand this post completely.. that’s one of the reasons why it is hard for me to get out..like you when you see others happy it makes you sadder.. I am just the same
GT, I’m listening. I read this entire post. I imagined you going home. I can’t say a lot, I have no comforting words for you tonight aside from that fact I am listening and am here.