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Should I?

by helenabeat

Still dealing with anxiety, schizophrenia, depression..I met someone. Who promised fight until I get better. Who promised to stay with me even on my worst days. It’s been 5 months and surprisingly he still with me.. but I’m scared of losing him. He’ll get tired of me, my breakdowns are because of him. Because I just think of the day he’ll leave me, I feel so stupid but I just can’t  help it.. how am I supposed to deal with this without hurting him? It’s been hard for me. I think about him day and night, but, I also think about killing myself day and night. I want to get better. I try to get better. But no one understands why this is so hard for me.. I hate when people think I’m crying for attention. Fuck.
”You can’t just disappear like that” That phrase fucks me up. Every time he says that he breaks my heart, because it’s motherfucking true, but I’m motherfucking stupid and I’m so fucking selfish ugh I hate myself so much. I hate the way I feel. I hate loving someone so much because at the end of the day, I’m going to hurt him and then.. he’ll hate loving me too.

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muspelhem 2/10/2016 - 9:39 pm

Don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. You’re all right. You’re just dealing with life as best you can, and sometimes you screw up. We all do.

You can’t control whether your boyfriend stays or goes. Instead, just enjoy him. Be grateful that you have him in your life now. Don’t worry too much about the future. It will come rolling in anyway.

🙂

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