Weakness

So I am the laziest person ever. I have been trying to convince my self of sitting down and write my tesis or to even read some articles as a basis. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. I hate having to do it. I really hate it.

I skip work today too. And even fail to do my part in a group I was trying to organize. The people are nice there, but they are getting tired of me. I just don’t want to do anything.

Last Monday I went to the doctor to ask for a remission for psychiatry  (it’s necessary to ask a general doctor for it, it’s how it works here) and i told him about how I was hurt by myself while trying to get the guy I like’s attention. But the doctor was nice to me and told me I could make other friends and that he was so sure of it that he was going to show me. And he made me smile so much that day. So he gave me his number and told me to write to him. And I did. He knows i am depressed and that i suffer of anxiety and yet he is a nice person and he treats me well and all, but he is also offering to take this ‘frienship to other levels’ without commitments… not as a obligation, and only if i want to. And I know he is after sex because I was stupid on how I talk about this subject so openly. I am not sure its a bad thing that he is asking me this… I know I shouldn’t accept it out of morality, but maybe I should try to be with someone else than the guy I like… I mean maybe I am just obssesed because he was the only one that ever showed any interest in me somehow…. and now here is this guy that listens to me and that’s patient and nice… And I am tired of the guy I like, and I don’t even like him that much anymore (last time we talk he told me he was never going to care about me), and yet I am still thinking of him. And I don’t want to become someone that goes around sleeping with seveal men. I really don’t, but I do wanna have someone around.

I have turn all my life’s attention to this subject and I feel so trivial and stupid. I used to care about other things. I used to love to read and to write and to draw, and to learn….  now I don’t care about anything.

I just don’t want to move again. I am lazy and weak.