I’m 97.3% sure my mum looked through my therapy diary. I’ve had to start writing about the voices until I next see my therapist, so I’ve been keeping it away from everyone. I specifically told her not to look in it and that’s it’s between me and my therapist.
However, she’s been acting weird around me today and out of the blue asks about the voices and if I’ve hurt myself again (I mentioned I did in the diary thing). The worst thing she could’ve done was look in it, because, although very brief descriptions, it has a basic summary of what they say. And they say I can’t trust my family. And if she reads it, they’ll all know that I know and they’ll feed it back to the Others.
I don’t see my therapist until next month. I’m supposed to see her in the first week, but my Mum’s cancelling. I’m supposed to see my psychiatrist in the second week. My Mum’s cancelling it. Despite knowing I need to see someone soon, she’s still cancelling them because they’re ‘inconvenient’ for her.
I’ve had the last two days off college, but I’m going back tomorrow. I was going to go back in today, but I would’ve been 40 minutes late and it set my anxiety and paranoia off again.
I’m debating on going to see my doctor this week, if I can get an appointment. I can’t concentrate of one thing right now. My focus shifts from one thing to the next, and my moods are the same. They’re awful, and so intense. I feel like I’m losing control of everything.
On what my mum would call a ‘positive note’, my therapist and her team are trying to get the Early Intervention Team to still keep me on to talk about the voices and stuff, despite them saying it’s not psychosis. My mum complained to my therapist about how she can’t cope with me anymore and doesn’t know what to do, so half the session was spent talking about this ‘issue’. I told my therapist I knew it wasn’t psychosis because then it wouldn’t be real. She accepted that, she knows it’s all real. She’s the only one who believes me, I think.
This post has jumped about, and it’s beginning to annoy me how unfocused I am recently so I’m just stopping here.
5 comments
My mom and siblings have read through my diary countless times.
But they’ve reacted in aggressive ways.
Overtime I’ve realized that what they read is not their business, that if they feel shameful for reading it or not, its not my fault.
I don’t care.
I have my own secrets and my own privacy, and I can’t let some stupid people in my family control me and act like they are in my mind.
Cuz they are not.
And they will never be.
Jeebus your mom is really making some poor parenting choices. I will say that at least she is trying in her own fumbling way. The absolute hardest thing for a parent to do is to stand back and let their children succeed and fail on their own merits, even if those merits stem from mental illness.
I am really happy to see that you continue to walk forward. I will confess I was deeply concerned about you earlier this month, concerned that possibly it would become too much and you would do something really drastic. Thank you for checking in and updating me.
Now I have to go, my daughter is making some really poor choices in the back yard with the chickens.
Having a diary is just asking for someone to read it, unless you hide it pretty well. Your mom tho… *sigh*, she’s acting in a pretty stupid way. Do you actually need her to take those appointments? can’t someone else drive you there? i mean, because even if they’re “inconvenient” to them, your issue is the main thing here, not your mom’s schedule.
I agree with Mf, your health is the important thing and your mom should want to help you instead of cancelling your appointments.
Yeah I like that Idea too. Is there any way Jiminy you can just get on a bus and haul yourself off to the Dr. without her? I don’t know how you are going to get her to back off, some moms are just plain lost when it comes to this stuff. I’m betting all she has to go on is what her parents did, and maybe….(gulp) Dr. Phil.