I’m 97.3% sure my mum looked through my therapy diary. I’ve had to start writing about the voices until I next see my therapist, so I’ve been keeping it away from everyone. I specifically told her not to look in it and that’s it’s between me and my therapist.
However, she’s been acting weird around me today and out of the blue asks about the voices and if I’ve hurt myself again (I mentioned I did in the diary thing). The worst thing she could’ve done was look in it, because, although very brief descriptions, it has a basic summary of what they say. And they say I can’t trust my family. And if she reads it, they’ll all know that I know and they’ll feed it back to the Others.
I don’t see my therapist until next month. I’m supposed to see her in the first week, but my Mum’s cancelling. I’m supposed to see my psychiatrist in the second week. My Mum’s cancelling it. Despite knowing I need to see someone soon, she’s still cancelling them because they’re ‘inconvenient’ for her.
I’ve had the last two days off college, but I’m going back tomorrow. I was going to go back in today, but I would’ve been 40 minutes late and it set my anxiety and paranoia off again.
I’m debating on going to see my doctor this week, if I can get an appointment. I can’t concentrate of one thing right now. My focus shifts from one thing to the next, and my moods are the same. They’re awful, and so intense. I feel like I’m losing control of everything.
On what my mum would call a ‘positive note’, my therapist and her team are trying to get the Early Intervention Team to still keep me on to talk about the voices and stuff, despite them saying it’s not psychosis. My mum complained to my therapist about how she can’t cope with me anymore and doesn’t know what to do, so half the session was spent talking about this ‘issue’. I told my therapist I knew it wasn’t psychosis because then it wouldn’t be real. She accepted that, she knows it’s all real. She’s the only one who believes me, I think.
This post has jumped about, and it’s beginning to annoy me how unfocused I am recently so I’m just stopping here.