alone

i have had the day from hell. sexual abuse, alone, no family, saw my mother, her denial of what my father did to me, i ended the day with loud music in my earbuds and finished off the brandy. it helped. it numbed. im not a drinker but sometimes i do. what csa has done to me is not pretty, i am always suffering, i want to find a painless way to say goodbye wont think of god, wont serve the devil, either, cant see her anymore, life so painful, nobody knows, every day, ive had enough of being so alone, nobody knows, no, nobody