Holy fuck, where to start.
Today was weird. I just kind of went with it. I didn’t imagine that anything like today would happen ever again. You’re so much different than the last time. Each time I see you, you change a little bi more. You’re, different.
I can feel the positivity burst from you. Holy shit, overwhelming. We barely spoke but It wasn’t needed. We caught up with each other today. I hope that I don’t affect anything for you again. But I can’t promise something that I don’t know if I can keep.
You look a lot better than before, healthier. You present yourself totally different. But you’re still the same person I knew. I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’re happyier.
As for me Jordan, nothing has changed, only worse over time. I’m more dedtructive than ever. It’s become a second instinct, natural, now. I’m not happy and I’m sure you could see that. But what’s new?
Sitting next to you was like a bad dream. Icouldn’t grasp it today that you were there. Were you there? Or was it just my imagination? Was I dreaming again?
Remember how I struggle with reality Jordan? How I don’t know the difference between life and death? Am I alive or in Hell? I can’t tell. I still struggle with this every day. Nothing has changed, everything stayed the same.
Jordan, every single day almost has been a struggle. It’s getting worse. I’m scared. Feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it, or anything. I’m trapped in a steel box. I’m slipping Jordan, I have been for a long time.
I’m glad I got to see you again, even if it abruptly stops over time. Or even tomorrow. I would be ok with that. Because I got to see you again. I saw you at your best today. The happiest I’ve ever seen you. In my mind, that’s all that mattered today.
Look, I don’t believe I have a lot of time left. That’s been set in my mind for months. I’m 1000 leagues deep, and no one can save me but myself. Ive came to realize that while you have been gone. Frankly Jordan, I don’t want to save myself. Waiting to settle on the ocean floor like sediments. That will be my day. And when my day comes I won’t let you know. I will mail you a letter I wrote a long time ago, only updating as time passes. That’s how you’ll know. And when that day comes, don’t let it get you down. Move on, and go forth with your life. Continue doing what you are now. But I want you to say a final good bye when that days comes. How ever you seem fitting. That’s all I want from you nothing more, nothing less.
For now let’s just ride the current. What ever happens, happens. I will fill you in from time to time, keep you up to date, you know. Otherwise If you want to know my struggles, you’ll find me here. And don’t worry, this time I’m not dragging you down with me. It’s your turn to shine.
Could you tell today? Did you feel anything? What was it like for you Jordan?
Anyways, Jordan, I missed you. But now I’m afraid that when you come to see what I’ve become that it will drive you away. So I’m sorry for who I am. I hope you can still understand. If not, well thats fine by me. Because all I want is for you to be happy.
Jordan, you know exactly what I mean.